Sharpsburg Covers Fire Hydrants to Reduce Climate Change

Sharpsburg, MD - Inspired by the recent actions of Frederick County government regarding the climate change crisis, the Town of Sharpsburg has covered all fire hydrants in the town with black plastic bags. These plastic bags are all part of a plan to help lower the Earth's temperature, and fight the climate change crisis.

At first residents were rather confused why the town was covering up all of their fire hydrants. After all, the town's water is working fine, why wouldn't the fire department be able to use the hydrants? However, once learning the truth about why the town is covering the hydrants with black plastic, residents have overwhelmingly supported the move.

"Feedback has been extremely positive," stated a city council member, "through these small steps we have reduced Sharpsburg's carbon footprint by 0.0002 %. Well worth it, when you consider the cost for the materials and installation was only $540,320."

The climate change reduction works through an aquatic heat transfer process. The black plastic heats the fire hydrant, pulling heat away from the nearby air. This heat is then transferred into the water main, where it is safely dissipated underground. "We're heating the ground, not the air, and that's much better for the environment" stated the scientist who sold the idea to the town.

Sharpsburg residents are encouraged to take additional steps to help reduce their carbon footprint and reduce climate change. Steps recommended by the Sharpsburg city council include only bathing once per week, turning your computer monitor brightness down to reduce electricity consumption, and saving pet waste to burn as fuel during the winter months.

"By working together and take small steps, we can help fight the climate change crisis, just like Frederick County!" stated a town representative.

We at The Hagerstown Report applaud the Town of Sharpsburg for their steps towards reducing climate change, and hope other municipalities in Washington County will voluntarily follow suit.

Did you know that in Centralia, while the coal mine was burning underneath, residents were able to use freshly drawn well water to make coffee without having to boil it? That's hot. The Hagerstown Report is satire.