Sharpsburg Council Approves Ordinance to Rename Town to Sharpsburgh

Sharpsburg, MD - Through a unanimous vote, the Sharpsburg town council has approved an ordinance to rename the town to its traditional spelling "Sharpsburgh". This debate was the result of questions raised regarding the legitimacy of the town museum's usage of the name "Sharpsburgh".

"It really came down to which Facebook page had the most likes at the time," said a town council representative, "and somehow overnight before the meeting the likes for the Sharpsburgh Museum exceeded the likes for the Town of Sharpsburg itself."

The town manager was unable to explain how the likes for "Sharpsburgh Museum" suddenly skyrocketed overnight, but the promised that there was not foul play involved. "This was the most secure and trustworthy counting of Facebook page likes ever. There may have been talk four years ago of Facebook likes being an unsecure method of determining which town name was preferred, but we promise you there's no way it could have been manipulated now, even though we did nothing to correct the problem."

Supporters of "Sharpsburg" questioned the official narrative of "Sharpsburgh" supporters.

"If you look at the like counting, both Sharpsburg and Sharpsburgh received over 1.5 million likes. There aren't that many people living in town, something is seriously wrong here!" said one concerned citizen.

Most of the controversy arises over a sudden spike in likes for Sharpsburgh overnight shortly before the council meeting. Sharpsburgh supporters swear unequivocally that the likes are legitimate, even though Sharpsburg supporters were prevented from observing counting of the likes.

Meanwhile, "Sharpesburg" supporters continue to cry foul, claiming they were excluded from the process. "Just because the Sharpesburg Facebook page only has five likes, doesn't mean our voices don't matter. There is no difference between Sharpsburg and Sharpsburgh. Only Sharpesburg is the true original name of the town."

The new name goes into effect on September 31, 2021.

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Sharpsburg Covers Fire Hydrants to Reduce Climate Change

Sharpsburg, MD - Inspired by the recent actions of Frederick County government regarding the climate change crisis, the Town of Sharpsburg has covered all fire hydrants in the town with black plastic bags. These plastic bags are all part of a plan to help lower the Earth's temperature, and fight the climate change crisis.

At first residents were rather confused why the town was covering up all of their fire hydrants. After all, the town's water is working fine, why wouldn't the fire department be able to use the hydrants? However, once learning the truth about why the town is covering the hydrants with black plastic, residents have overwhelmingly supported the move.

"Feedback has been extremely positive," stated a city council member, "through these small steps we have reduced Sharpsburg's carbon footprint by 0.0002 %. Well worth it, when you consider the cost for the materials and installation was only $540,320."

The climate change reduction works through an aquatic heat transfer process. The black plastic heats the fire hydrant, pulling heat away from the nearby air. This heat is then transferred into the water main, where it is safely dissipated underground. "We're heating the ground, not the air, and that's much better for the environment" stated the scientist who sold the idea to the town.

Sharpsburg residents are encouraged to take additional steps to help reduce their carbon footprint and reduce climate change. Steps recommended by the Sharpsburg city council include only bathing once per week, turning your computer monitor brightness down to reduce electricity consumption, and saving pet waste to burn as fuel during the winter months.

"By working together and take small steps, we can help fight the climate change crisis, just like Frederick County!" stated a town representative.

We at The Hagerstown Report applaud the Town of Sharpsburg for their steps towards reducing climate change, and hope other municipalities in Washington County will voluntarily follow suit.

Did you know that in Centralia, while the coal mine was burning underneath, residents were able to use freshly drawn well water to make coffee without having to boil it? That's hot. The Hagerstown Report is satire.