National Park Service to Remove Confederate Monuments from Battlefields

WASHINGTON, DC - Today the National Park Service announced it will be removing all confederate monuments from national battlefields, including Antietam and Gettysburg.

"These monuments honor rebels and traitors. The civil war was over 150 years ago, it's time that those supporting the confederacy move on." stated a NPS spokesperson, "Thanks to the generous donation of the President's salary, we have the funding to complete this important work."

The removal of the monuments is part of the NPS new "friendlier, more inclusive" approach to remodeling its parks in an effort to get families off their computers and smart phones, and back into open spaces. "We really feel that this extends an olive branch to the community that we're all one nation now, and we can move on from the past."

When asked about the usage of his salary to fund the removal of confederate monuments, the President stated "We will crush the rebellion with one swift stroke, and make America great again!"

The President then denied that his quote was stolen from a science fiction movie, and refused further comment.

Local residents in Sharpsburg, MD applauded the move. "Finally we can rewrite the history books and tell everyone that the civil war was a minor incursion, and that the United States swiftly crushed the rebellion." stated local resident Wilhuff Tarkin.

Since 1775, over 600,000 United States military members have died in combat. This Memorial Day, please remember them. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

High Rock to be renamed "Little Rushmore", Featuring $1.2M Harambe Sculpture

Artist's concept of the Harambe sculpture.

SMITHSBURG, MD - Today the Washington County Commissioners approved a measure to rename High Rock to "Little Rushmore", and add a sculpture of "Harambe", the ape killed at the Cincinnati zoo for $1.2 Million.

"We're estimating over $2 million in revenue from speed cams in Washington County, so we figured we should give part of that back to the community" stated a county representative.

The same artist who convinced the City of Hagerstown to spend $100,000 on a racist hate-filled cave drawing along the culture trail, will also create this new sculpture.

"This area keeps giving me more and more money and I love it! P.T. Barnum was right!" exclaimed the artist.

Work on the Harambe sculpture will take place this summer, starting July 5th.

Probably would still attract more visitors than a pile of rocks or a culture trail. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Culture Trail Mural Contains Hidden Hate Symbols???

Click to Enlarge

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A mural along the Hagerstown culture trail may contain hidden hate symbols, much to the horror of local residents and city officials.

The "Mural of Unusual Size" is in fact completely riddled with hidden hate symbols against minorities and women. City officials have no idea what to do next, as the mural cost the taxpayers $100,000 as a commission fee to the artist.

Some of the more obvious hate symbol features of the mural include...

• An abstract illustration of a hand holding a phallic symbol. This is a symbol often used as a micro-aggression against women and feminists.
• An abstract illustration of Pepe the Frog, a popular Internet meme used by white supremacists, especially those of the alt-right and anti-Semitic groups.
• An abstract, backwards illustration of "WPWW", which is a hate symbol abbreviation for "White Pride World Wide".

However, further digging into the mural has discovered even deeper, darker meaning. The mural is painted on the building at 88 Lee Street. The number 88 is actually a numerical symbol used by Nazis. Even worse yet, the mural has been divided into precisely 14 different sections, yet another white supremacist symbol for "14 words". Finally, it is believed that the title of the artwork itself, "Mural of Unusual Size", may be a reference to "unusually large phallic objects".

For your reference, The Hagerstown Report has provided a visual breakdown of the mural. Click on the image to enlarge.

Harambe would be proud of this phallic display. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Local Defense Attorney Pioneers "Dr. Phil" Defense Strategy

BALTIMORE, MD - Today in Baltimore at a hearing for removal of a Washington County Board of Education member, a Western Maryland defense attorney pioneered a new defense strategy - the Dr. Phil defense. In this groundbreaking defense, the defendant feigns ignorance and simply claims that all words or actions were inspired by the Dr. Phil show.

In today's defense, it was claimed that local elected officials can be easily influenced by topics on TV shows. Hopefully, none of our officials watch The Hunger Games (or maybe we'd be better off?) While this newest spin on the Chewbacca defense did not work, it sets new ground for further usage of this strategy. Imagine when bank robbers can simply claim they were trying to raise money for a single mom they saw on the show, or similar circumstances!

To further expand on this concept, perhaps there should be shows which are required viewing for our elected officials. We at The Hagerstown Report have taken the liberty of writing a list of possible shows for other elected officials here in Washington County, in order to help them become better public servants.

• Washington County Sheriff - The X-Files. What better show to help our top law enforcement officer solve crimes than two of the greatest investigators of all time, Mulder and Scully?
• Mayor of Hagerstown - Independence Day. When your citycountry is in ruin, what better movie to inspire a strong leader than a movie about fighting till your last breath to keep your citycountry out of the hands of illegal alien invaders?
• Board of Education - American Pie. There's not better way to get in touch with your students and understand them than this coming-of-age movie. After all, who doesn't enjoy a warm apple pie?
• State Representative/Senate - The Empire Strikes Back. Because even if you win small victories like blowing up the Death Star, in the end the Democratic Empire is going to cut off your hand.
• Congressional Representative - We didn't bother picking a movie for this one, because let's face it, our district is so gerrymandered that John Delaney can keep the seat for as long as he wants.

No pies were ruined by elected officials while writing this article, and we'll just tell their mothers we ate it all. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Controversial "Bum Fights Club" TV Show Comes to Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Much like the controversial "Amish Rake Fights" in Lancaster, PA, a new form of entertainment is hitting the streets (literally) across small towns in the greater DC area - the "Bum Fights Club".

In this questionably legal sport, spectators gather around while a reality TV show films two homeless residents who have volunteered to fight each other for a $1,000 prize. The locations of the fights are kept secret as to avoid attracting the attention of law enforcement, and only a handful of selected residents are informed where the fight will be, so that they can bid on the winner.

"It really gives the homeless a chance to pull themselves out of their situation," stated the show's producer, "and at the same time it makes for amazing reality TV!"

The twelve episode show will air on cable television later this fall, and include cities from the greater DC area including:

• Hagerstown, MD
• Baltimore, MD
• Martinsburg, WV
• Laurel, MD
• Fairfax, VA
• Gaithersburg, MD

Participants are provided all safety equipment used by professional boxers, and must follow strict professional boxing rules.

Residents are encouraged that, should they happen upon the show during filming, to place small monetary bids on the winner. The loser of the fight will receive fifty percent of the pot collected, to help pay for medical bills.

Who would win, a homeless street fighter or an Amish rake fighter? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Children Pose with Alligator on Opening Day for Hagerstown Baseball Team

HAGERSTOWN, MD - It was an evening of fun for all, including local children who got the opportunity to pose with the new team mascot, Ally the Alligator.

Friday the newly renamed Hagerstown Gators baseball team lost 11 to 1 against Ashville, but the kids didn't mind the loss, as they still had a lot of fun.

"She's really friendly!" stated one child who was initially afraid of sitting on the team mascot, "she only snapped at me once, but I know she didn't really mean it!"

Ally the Alligator was previously at Hagerstown City Park to help with geese population control. However, with the dredging of city park, Ally was replaced with live piranhas, which, like Ally, have been specially trained to only eat geese.

The next Hagerstown Gators baseball game will be held at home, at 4:05 PM Eastern.

Fans can purchase Hagerstown Gators baseball souvenirs at the website!

No liability insurance agents had a heart attack while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

The Hagerstown Report Purchased: Will Report Factual News Only

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Hagerstown Report is happy to announce that it has been purchased by a local newspaper, and will begin reporting factual news stories instead of satire.

The purchase terms have not been officially disclosed, but we're excited to announce that a local newspaper saw the value that The Hagerstown Report brand provides, and that the major newspaper is actually purchasing this site in order to use the name for their own local paper.

You will see the changes take place slowly over the next few weeks, as content at this newspaper's website is migrated to ours.

We look forward to becoming the most trusted name in local news for Hagerstown and Washington County, and see many more years of serving the community!

No editors became rich while writing this article. April fools. The Hagerstown Report is and always will be satire.