Sharpsburg Slave Block to be Replaced with Abstract Peace Monument

Sharpsburg, MD - After the vandalizing of the historic marker for the Sharpsburg slave block, town officials have taken the opportunity to begin working to replace the marker with a peace monument.

The new monument will be similar to the "Pod" in Hagerstown City Park, in that it will be an abstract work of art meant to represent whatever the viewer sees using their imagination, but more importantly, an ever-lasting symbol of peace in our great, liberal nation inclusive of people from all walks of life.

As you can see from the above rendering of the proposed monument, this monument will be much larger than the original slave block marker. A plaque (not pictured) will also be featured to explain the concept behind the monument, and how important it is to rewrite history by removing monuments we feel someone might be offended by.

"Even if no-one has complained, even if it's of historical significance, we must remove elements from our society which may make others uncomfortable and turn our country into a nationwide safe space, including the complete repeal of the second amendment." stated the artist while being protected by several armed guards.

Unveiling of the new monument will take place on July 4, 2020. Due to social distancing requirements, residents may not attend the ceremony unless attending as part of a protest against racial injustice, since COVID-19 does not infect attendees of such protests, and only infects protests to reopen the state.

"The town council absolutely denies any remarks that the peace monument is "phallic" in nature, and anyone claiming such is clearly a troublemaker just trying to deny the town of this important peace monument." stated one of the council members.

In lieu of attending the donating to the construction of this new monument, the Sharpsburg town council urges all residents to contribute to the Joe Biden for President 2020 campaign fund.

No phallic shaped monuments have been added to Sharpsburg or the battlefield. Yet. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

National Park Service to Remove Confederate Monuments from Battlefields

WASHINGTON, DC - Today the National Park Service announced it will be removing all confederate monuments from national battlefields, including Antietam and Gettysburg.

"These monuments honor rebels and traitors. The civil war was over 150 years ago, it's time that those supporting the confederacy move on." stated a NPS spokesperson, "Thanks to the generous donation of the President's salary, we have the funding to complete this important work."

The removal of the monuments is part of the NPS new "friendlier, more inclusive" approach to remodeling its parks in an effort to get families off their computers and smart phones, and back into open spaces. "We really feel that this extends an olive branch to the community that we're all one nation now, and we can move on from the past."

When asked about the usage of his salary to fund the removal of confederate monuments, the President stated "We will crush the rebellion with one swift stroke, and make America great again!"

The President then denied that his quote was stolen from a science fiction movie, and refused further comment.

Local residents in Sharpsburg, MD applauded the move. "Finally we can rewrite the history books and tell everyone that the civil war was a minor incursion, and that the United States swiftly crushed the rebellion." stated local resident Wilhuff Tarkin.

Since 1775, over 600,000 United States military members have died in combat. This Memorial Day, please remember them. The Hagerstown Report is satire.