"These monuments honor rebels and traitors. The civil war was over 150 years ago, it's time that those supporting the confederacy move on." stated a NPS spokesperson, "Thanks to the generous donation of the President's salary, we have the funding to complete this important work."
The removal of the monuments is part of the NPS new "friendlier, more inclusive" approach to remodeling its parks in an effort to get families off their computers and smart phones, and back into open spaces. "We really feel that this extends an olive branch to the community that we're all one nation now, and we can move on from the past."
When asked about the usage of his salary to fund the removal of confederate monuments, the President stated "We will crush the rebellion with one swift stroke, and make America great again!"
The President then denied that his quote was stolen from a science fiction movie, and refused further comment.
Local residents in Sharpsburg, MD applauded the move. "Finally we can rewrite the history books and tell everyone that the civil war was a minor incursion, and that the United States swiftly crushed the rebellion." stated local resident Wilhuff Tarkin.
Since 1775, over 600,000 United States military members have died in combat. This Memorial Day, please remember them. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
