Hagerstown "Jumps the Shark" With Newest Park Addition

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In order to attract more visitors to Hagerstown City Park, the city council approved a plan to add a new attraction to City Park lake - a live shark.

In a 4 to 1 vote, the city council approved the purchase of a Speartooth Shark, one of only a few species capable of living in fresh water. The shark, which is being named "Lizzy" in honor of Jonathan Hager's wife Elizabeth, will take residence in City Park lake starting Monday, June 10.

Lizzy is a specially trained shark, and is completely docile. She will only feed on carp in the city park lake, leaving other wildlife alone, such as Ally, the alligator responsible for city park geese population control. "We believe this newest attraction, a living piece of art, will bring more visitors to Hagerstown City Park and the cultural trail."

Residents are encouraged not to make any sudden splashing movements if they fall into the lake, as Lizzy may mistake them for a carp. Signs have been ordered which will encourage visitors to pet the shark, should she come close to the edge of the lake.

Lizzy will be officially introduced to the community during the upcoming Flag Day celebration, and children will be encouraged to enter the water with her to post for a photo. Residents interested should RSVP on the City of Hagerstown's Facebook Event.

We at The Hagerstown Report look forward to many more events featuring Lizzy and Ally!

No carp bit the big one while writing this story. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Shippensburg Council Announces Expansion Plans for Casino Site

SHIPPENSBURG, PA - The Shippensburg Borough Council recently announced plans to expand business opportunities for the proposed casino site. When asked about the controversy surrounding the casino a council member who asked to remain anonymous replied, “We are expanding the business options at the casino site in order to create more job opportunities for local citizens and to build community support.”  When pressed for more details the council member said, “The additional businesses that are proposed include a 1.9 million square foot adult toys warehouse and a gentleman’s club.  That way the concerns about the impact on our family friendly town will be concentrated in one area which will make enforcement much easier. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t love another mega-warehouse?  It will be a win-win for everyone involved.  The expansion will bring more great jobs and lots of exciting entertainment. Not to mention that the additional tax revenues will be appreciated by the local volunteer firehouses and possible result in either the elimination of property taxes for borough residents or at least a large decrease.”

When asked if the council had any other interest from outside businesses that were looking to move into the proposed site he said, “There are many other proposals being looked at currently.  Starbuck’s is interested in building their first 24 hour Mega-Store. It will be the first location where the dining area as well as the drive-thru will be open around the clock.  Two organizations from Shippensburg University submitted letters of interest as well. The International Student Union would like to build an apartment complex since there are an increasing number of foreign students and Shippensburg does not have enough housing for incoming international students from areas such as the Middle East, Central and South America, and China.  The Islamic Student Union is interested in building a combination Mosque/Student Center as well.  I think that would be a great location for it especially since the PA State Police are going to place a new barracks at the site.  That way, any security concerns may be resolved quickly and thoroughly.”

When asked if the council has turned down any business propositions he replied, “Not very many.  The letters of intent that have arrived so far are high quality proposals from reputable businesses.  The only one that may be questionable is a proposal from an alligator theme park/petting zoo.  There are two concerns that should be easily fixed.  One is suitable temperature controls for their habitats.  The second is their security protocol in case of an escape or an attack.  I would like to see more other than a bullet point that says, ‘Solution: choot him.’  Even if they don’t follow through with resolving those concerns, I am very optimistic for the future of the building site.  I really hope the local community will get behind our plans and help Shippensburg succeed in this next phase of growth.”

The next meeting for public input on the proposed expansion is scheduled for September 2019.

No Amish had a heart attack while writing this article. This is a satire guest article by "Jebediah Martin".

Shippensburg Celebrates Diversity at Memorial Park with Islamic Flag

SHIPPENSBURG, PA - In a ceremony celebrating religious diversity of Shippensburg residents, today the Borough raised a new flag over Memorial Park - the flag of Islam. The flag will fly over the park until the April 15th to help the town celebrate the diversity of its residents.

"We know our residents will be very happy with our diversity celebration today, and that the $10,000 spent on this flag is a symbol that we can all live together in peace" said one of the council members.

Borough residents had previously complained on social media that no flag was flying at the park, to which they were informed that the American Flag previously flying in the park had been taken down over the winter and needed replaced.

On April 16th, the flag will be replaced by a flag from Mexico.

I wonder if they'll put an alligator in that park too.  The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Exclusive Interview with Immigrant Midget Operating Martins' New Robot

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Our local Martins recently placed in service a "robot" designed to patrol the store and detect spills. However, after undercover reporting at Martins, The Hagerstown Report has uncovered that there is actually a undocumented immigrant named "Carlos" inside the robot, operating it. We have obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with Carlos. More below...

THR: So everyone thinks this is actually a robot. But it turns out there's actually a person inside, can you tell us a little more about that?

Carlos: Yea, Martins' couldn't actually get the robot to work, so they hired us to get inside and drive the things around and find spills. I was like "do I have to actually clean up the spills?" and they were like "nah dawg you just radio the employees and one of them cleans it up, easy money!"

THR: But how do you fit into the robot?

Carlos: I'm only 4 foot tall, so I fit in the bottom part pretty easy. There's a padded chair and everything in there man! It's actually pretty awesome!

THR: How did you get this job anyways?

Carlos: Ok so me and my homies just got finished digging this drug smuggling tunnel from Mexico to the US when these guys in suits show up. We're about to start running like hell when one of them says "No no, we're not with ICE, we're here to off you guys jobs!" So we listened to what they had to say, and they know we're used to being in confined spaces digging tunnels all day, and said we could come work in the US doing a somewhat legit job where we get to be inside all day. At first we didn't think this was real, but then they showed us pictures of that guy inside of R2-D2, and we were like WOWWWWWW ok sign us up!

THR: Are you and your friends worried about being deported?

Carlos: Nah dawg! It's the PERFECT hiding spot - cause like we're hiding in plain sight. What's ICE going to do, try to deport a robot?

THR: So are you going to stay here a while and just work this job, or do you have other career goals?

Carlos: Well to be honest dawg after they showed us those pictures of R2-D2, that really made me re-think my career goals. I mean here was this badass little robot and it was actually a dude inside! So I started looking around and sure enough there's other opportunities too! So this will just be a stepping stone to greater careers!

THR: Like what?

Carlos: Like you know those hand dryers in bathrooms? Everybody thinks those are just heated fans, but it's actually a guy inside the wall blowing on your hands when you push the button!

THR: Wow.

Carlos: Wow.

THR: Anything else you'd like to add before we wrap this up?

Carlos: Yea dawg - ladies will you stop letting your kids tap on the side of the robot? It really echos inside and gives me headaches! Also, stop asking me where stuff is in the store, you'll blow my cover!!!!

We thank Carlos for his exclusive interview, and wish him the best in his career.

R2-D2 actually did have a person inside - who knew? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

An Open Letter to WDVM and Nexstar regarding Antietam Broadband

Dear WDVM and Nexstar,

The whole Washington County community has watched for quite some time now as you continue to attempt to "wage war" against Antietam Broadband, and even attempt to pull Hagerstown City Council into your dispute. Enough is enough, let's try to fix this.

We are very sorry to hear that you could not successfully negotiate a new retransmission fee with Antietam Broadband. As a local satire source, we fully understand the importance of having local news easily available to residents in the Hagerstown and Washington County area. Local news is extremely important to keep residents informed of local issues, especially local issues which should impact local elections.

In case you hadn't noticed, Antietam Cable has rebranded themselves as Antietam Broadband. Why do you think that is? Perhaps it's because they want to be recognized as an Internet provider, because they see that's where a significant piece of their income will be in the future.

If you have been unable to determine from the comments on social media, most area residents no longer feel your station is relevant to their lives. They have no idea when our "local" news is going to be available, and half the news stories on your website and social media have no indication where the article is from. The harsh reality is, most people in the Hagerstown area don't care whatsoever what is going on in Fairfax, VA or Montgomery County, MD.

Yes, we have been poking fun at you during this, and our readers have been enjoying it. And rightfully so - when you harass the mayor of Hagerstown and try to get him to comment on a private dispute between two businesses, this doesn't make him look like the bad guy for not commenting, this makes WDVM look foolish. This "PR campaign disguised as news reports" is not fooling any local residents.

And why would local Hagerstown residents care about WDVM? After all, the station shifted focus away from their primary audience in 2017 with the change of the station callsign from WHAG to WDVM, and began expanding news coverage outside the Hagerstown and Washington County area. This is a path which WDVM started down in 2017. WDVM will continue to stumble until it finds a better direction.

You have already lost your battle with Antietam Broadband.  Embrace that. Use this as an opportunity to further expand, and better focus on the future, instead of living in the past.

Here are a few suggestions on how to improve your station's future...

1) Abandon your fight with Antietam Broadband. Seriously, you're making yourselves look bad, and turning more of the local community against you, instead of getting them to support you.

2) Break your station's online presence into target markets. For example, WDVM-Hagerstown, or WDVM-Frederick. Show relevant news for those target markets on the appropriate sites and social media pages.

3) Start restoring the trust of your local market by delivering them local news they can trust. With more and more people dropping cable completely and switching to just online streaming and articles, you have an opportunity to truly flourish in the Hagerstown area without being carried on Antietam Broadband.  Right now your site is the ONLY local news site in Hagerstown which is not behind a paywall. Embrace that!

4) Embrace online technology. Why not setup a live stream of your station instead of relying on retransmission fees? Show value to your advertisers that you're embracing new technologies and keeping your content free, while other local news sites actually discourage people from visiting with their paywalls.

5) Realize that people want to be entertained, not informed. This is a lesson I learned a long time ago. Before The Hagerstown Report, I had a serious news organization for local residents. It never took off - because people weren't simply interested in being informed. But The Hagerstown Report's satire - that's entertaining, and as such the site has experienced massive growth without spending any money on marketing at all. Just imagine if we already had a marketing budget like WDVM, what we would be able to accomplish. Keep this lesson in mind, and try to adjust your programming accordingly.

We want to see your station succeed. We want to see your station grow. We want to see your station prosper.

Please, right the ship, and set a new course, before it's too late.

If you'd like to discuss more, I'd be happy to do so. Send me a message on Facebook, and let's setup a time to chat.

Ken, Editor of the Hagerstown Report

This article is NOT satire. This is actually some serious stuff.

Hagerstown Speed Cam "X-Ray" Upgrade Completed

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the city council announced that the "x-ray" upgrade to the speed cameras has been completed. This upgrade will allow the speed cameras to also issue citations for marijuana possession, which carries a fine of $100.

The new program is designed to help reduce people driving under the influence of marijuana, as well as boost declining speed cam revenues in the City of Hagerstown by 25%.

"Marijuana is still punishable by a civil fine, and the city has decided to take advantage of that to increase revenue." stated a city representative.

Motorists may appeal the citation by turning over the contact information for the dealer who sold them the marijuana. Appeals are not guaranteed.

Bombarding moving vehicles with x-rays sounds like a wonderful idea, I'm sure there wouldn't be any side effects whatsoever. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown City Council Proceeds with Plastic Straw Ban

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With a 4 to 1 vote, the City of Hagerstown has agreed to ban plastic straws, following suit with many other cities across the country. Starting September 31, 2018, all local businesses must replace plastic straws with biodegradable straws made out of solidified bovine fertilizer.

"Not only is this move environmentally friendly" stated a city representative, "but it will provide an excellent boost to our local cow farmers as their excess manure is processed into drinking straws."

In trial testing, consumers have been hesitant to switch to fertilizer straws. Many have complained that drinking liquids with the straws often results in an "off taste", or that the straws will dissolve too quickly in hot liquids. Others have expressed concerns about the health implications of using straws created from cow manure, but national health industry officials have stated that the effects are "very minimal" and only increases the chance of digestive tract issues by 15%.

The biodegradable straws do come at a cost however. Each straw will cost 50% more than its plastic equivalent. Local businesses will be forced to either absorb this cost, or raise prices to match the increased cost. The council discussed a potential price freeze for six months, but this idea was voted down 3 to 2.

Fortunately unlike many plastic straw bans in the country, this article is complete bovine manure. The Hagerstown Report is satire.