City Park to host First Annual Turkey Drop this Weekend

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Twenty lucky families will walk away from Hagerstown City Park this Sunday with a free turkey. All they have to do is catch it as it flies out of a helicopter.

A chartered helicopter will make four trips between City Park and Hagerstown Airport. On each trip, five live turkeys will be released out the side of the helicopter. The turkeys will then fly down to the park below, and the first families to catch them get to take the turkey home for Thanksgiving dinner!

All twenty turkeys are farm raised here in Washington County, with no hormones and eating a GMO free, gluten free, organic vegan diet.

The Turkey Drop will begin at noon this Sunday, and last until all twenty turkeys have been caught.

Residents are asked not to allow children under 12 to participate, as they could be injured by the flying turkey.

As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly! We miss WKRP. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Waynesboro School D&D Club Rejected Because of Critical Fail on Intelligence Check by Board Members

Waynesboro, PA - Citing the unrealistic, dramatized TV depiction of a "Dungeons & Dragons" game the Waynesboro Area School Board has voted six to three to reject a D&D club for Waynesboro Middle. The members who voted against the club unfortunately did so because of rolling a "one" on their intelligence check.

"The game involves language skills, math, probability, and creativity. We don't want our students to learn those things in a non-state-approved format which isn't boring." stated a representative for the board.

Unfortunately, because the board members have never taken the time to play D&D outside of their dull, boring everyday lives, they had to rely on depictions of the game from the TV show "Stranger Things", as well as antiquated urban legends that playing D&D somehow makes you want to commit suicide.

The three members who voted for the D&D club unfortunately did not roll high enough to overcome the rest of the board's usage of the "Dumb Luck" feat, in which the board simply avoids meaningful conversations about topics they don't understand, and yet are lucky enough that it's not close enough to an election year for their lack of informed opinions to actually matter.

The same night the board was also asked to approve a Math club. The board has decided to postpone that vote, as they apparently don't understand what math is either, or what its purpose is in a learning environment. Miraculously, they managed to accurately count the votes to adjourn the meeting.

Please post dice shaming pictures to our Facebook wall. This article is mostly satire, but WASD actually rejected the D&D club because they have no idea what D&D is.

Thurmont Finds Loophole to Operate Speed Cameras 24/7

THURMONT, MD - The town of Thurmont has found a way to operate its speed cameras 24/7, instead of only weekdays during school hours as other jurisdictions currently do.

After reviewing Maryland law, the town council found that the time restrictions only apply to automated speed enforcement cameras in school zones. As such, Thurmont has invested in a hybrid model in which speed cameras are manually operated during off-hours.

Each speed camera has been equipped with a periscope inside a small underground bunker. During off hours, the cameras will be manned by retired Navy submarine commanders, who are used to operating inside of tight dark spaces.

"This program will not only increase our speed camera revenue by 300%, but provides an employment path for retired Navy submarine commanders to put their skills to use." stated a council member.

To make the work environment more comfortable, the access personholes will resemble the same hatches used by the Navy in their submarines. The workspace itself will be almost completely dark, and a speaker system has been installed to generate a low hum to simulate the vibrations from a sub under way.

Old Navy submarine joke: 100 sailors go down, 50 couples come back up. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

County Commissioners Donate New Mural to Cultural Trail

HAGERSTOWN, MD - At today's County Commissioner meeting, the commissioners were happy to announce Washington County's newest contribution to the Hagerstown Cultural Trail - a large mural of former President Bill Clinton.

The mural has been painted partially over "The Mural of Unusual Size" after numerous complaints from residents that the abstract art is an eye-sore.

"This mural is being donated to the City of Hagerstown by Washington County in honor of our successful trips to South Korea" stated a county representative.

The official unveiling ceremony will take place on Friday, August 16, and covered by Fox 5 news.

Nothing was spilled on a blue dress while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Frederick Embraces Crusades as Part of New Logo Design

FREDERICK, MD - The City of Frederick has unveiled its new logo, embracing the historic ancestors who first settled in Frederick after their long fought campaigns to reclaim the Holy Land from Muslims. The new logo, at a price tag of $45,000, not only represents a Crusader's cross, but each part of the logo represents different milestones in the city's history, and future.

First, the overall shape of the logo is meant to have multiple meanings. Not only does the logo represent a Crusader cross, but it also resembles the letter "F".  Designers were quick to point out, this "F" does not actually stand for Frederick, but actually is intended to represent pressing the letter F to pay respects to those who fell during the holy war, and those who will fall in the holy wars to come.

Each part of the logo represents an important aspect of Frederick.

To the left, a red duck head. This duck head symbolizes the ducks in Baker Park, and the upcoming war against them to control their population (much like Hagerstown has continued to struggle with overpopulation of geese in City Park).

To the bottom, a green sickle, representing the climate change crisis, and how all of Frederick needs to reap what they sow, helping offset climate change by paying an upcoming carbon tax. This carbon tax will not actually go towards any efforts to fix the climate change crisis, but will be used to provide much needed pay raises to the City Council.

To the top, a blue spike, symbolizing the blue skies of Frederick's upcoming war to re-take the Holy Land.

In the center, a yellow square.Yellow is the color of sunshine and hope, and with Frederick at the center of the next Holy War, it shall be a shining symbol of the war to expand Israel's borders.

Finally, to the right, an arrow pointing to the East. This arrow signifies how Frederick shall lead the charge into the middle-east, and liberate its oil reserves.

Frederick's launching of the next Crusade is currently scheduled for July 4, 2020. President Trump will be in attendance as a caravan of portable missile launchers, tanks, planes, and even an aircraft carrier named the U.S.S. Ivanka on a flatbed truck will be paraded down I-270 to Washington DC. Please note that the Crusade may potentially be delayed due to traffic jams.

No terrible video game design decisions were made while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sharpsburg Covers Fire Hydrants to Reduce Climate Change

Sharpsburg, MD - Inspired by the recent actions of Frederick County government regarding the climate change crisis, the Town of Sharpsburg has covered all fire hydrants in the town with black plastic bags. These plastic bags are all part of a plan to help lower the Earth's temperature, and fight the climate change crisis.

At first residents were rather confused why the town was covering up all of their fire hydrants. After all, the town's water is working fine, why wouldn't the fire department be able to use the hydrants? However, once learning the truth about why the town is covering the hydrants with black plastic, residents have overwhelmingly supported the move.

"Feedback has been extremely positive," stated a city council member, "through these small steps we have reduced Sharpsburg's carbon footprint by 0.0002 %. Well worth it, when you consider the cost for the materials and installation was only $540,320."

The climate change reduction works through an aquatic heat transfer process. The black plastic heats the fire hydrant, pulling heat away from the nearby air. This heat is then transferred into the water main, where it is safely dissipated underground. "We're heating the ground, not the air, and that's much better for the environment" stated the scientist who sold the idea to the town.

Sharpsburg residents are encouraged to take additional steps to help reduce their carbon footprint and reduce climate change. Steps recommended by the Sharpsburg city council include only bathing once per week, turning your computer monitor brightness down to reduce electricity consumption, and saving pet waste to burn as fuel during the winter months.

"By working together and take small steps, we can help fight the climate change crisis, just like Frederick County!" stated a town representative.

We at The Hagerstown Report applaud the Town of Sharpsburg for their steps towards reducing climate change, and hope other municipalities in Washington County will voluntarily follow suit.

Did you know that in Centralia, while the coal mine was burning underneath, residents were able to use freshly drawn well water to make coffee without having to boil it? That's hot. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Governor Hogan Announces Pennsylvania Invasion Plan

HAGERSTOWN, MD - While on an emergency trip to Hagerstown, Governor Hogan announced that today he has authorized $1.2 billion in funding to begin the mobilization of the Maryland National Guard to liberate Pennsylvania from the state "salami tax". This announcement is in direct response to the Lancaster pepperoni smuggling which was recently reported on by People of Lancaster.

"We will not sit idly by while Pennsylvania holds hostage a Hagerstown, MD resident who was only seeking to liberate Pennsylvania residents from excessive taxation. Not only will we rescue this fine upstanding Hagerstown resident, but we'll begin a liberation campaign to free Pennsylvania from this heinous tax upon processed meat products." stated the Governor.

Since the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania has already fortified its southern border near Lancaster PA, Maryland National Guard troops will enter Pennsylvania from the east through Delaware and west through Washington County.

Meanwhile, Lancaster residents have started their own protest in response to the arrests. In what has become known as the "Susquehanna Sausage Party", Lancaster residents are travelling to the nearby Susquehanna river to throw stolen salami, pepperoni, sausage, and other meat products into the river as an act of protesting the "salami tax".  Oakwood, MD residents have been seen with fishing nets at the state line waiting for the waterlogged meat to reach Maryland, and there are now rumors of a "barbecue vigil" in which the processed meat products will be consumed while everyone prays for a swift resolution to the conflict.

No innocent fish were harmed by Pennsylvania sausage parties while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown "Jumps the Shark" With Newest Park Addition

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In order to attract more visitors to Hagerstown City Park, the city council approved a plan to add a new attraction to City Park lake - a live shark.

In a 4 to 1 vote, the city council approved the purchase of a Speartooth Shark, one of only a few species capable of living in fresh water. The shark, which is being named "Lizzy" in honor of Jonathan Hager's wife Elizabeth, will take residence in City Park lake starting Monday, June 10.

Lizzy is a specially trained shark, and is completely docile. She will only feed on carp in the city park lake, leaving other wildlife alone, such as Ally, the alligator responsible for city park geese population control. "We believe this newest attraction, a living piece of art, will bring more visitors to Hagerstown City Park and the cultural trail."

Residents are encouraged not to make any sudden splashing movements if they fall into the lake, as Lizzy may mistake them for a carp. Signs have been ordered which will encourage visitors to pet the shark, should she come close to the edge of the lake.

Lizzy will be officially introduced to the community during the upcoming Flag Day celebration, and children will be encouraged to enter the water with her to post for a photo. Residents interested should RSVP on the City of Hagerstown's Facebook Event.

We at The Hagerstown Report look forward to many more events featuring Lizzy and Ally!

No carp bit the big one while writing this story. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Shippensburg Council Announces Expansion Plans for Casino Site

SHIPPENSBURG, PA - The Shippensburg Borough Council recently announced plans to expand business opportunities for the proposed casino site. When asked about the controversy surrounding the casino a council member who asked to remain anonymous replied, “We are expanding the business options at the casino site in order to create more job opportunities for local citizens and to build community support.”  When pressed for more details the council member said, “The additional businesses that are proposed include a 1.9 million square foot adult toys warehouse and a gentleman’s club.  That way the concerns about the impact on our family friendly town will be concentrated in one area which will make enforcement much easier. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t love another mega-warehouse?  It will be a win-win for everyone involved.  The expansion will bring more great jobs and lots of exciting entertainment. Not to mention that the additional tax revenues will be appreciated by the local volunteer firehouses and possible result in either the elimination of property taxes for borough residents or at least a large decrease.”

When asked if the council had any other interest from outside businesses that were looking to move into the proposed site he said, “There are many other proposals being looked at currently.  Starbuck’s is interested in building their first 24 hour Mega-Store. It will be the first location where the dining area as well as the drive-thru will be open around the clock.  Two organizations from Shippensburg University submitted letters of interest as well. The International Student Union would like to build an apartment complex since there are an increasing number of foreign students and Shippensburg does not have enough housing for incoming international students from areas such as the Middle East, Central and South America, and China.  The Islamic Student Union is interested in building a combination Mosque/Student Center as well.  I think that would be a great location for it especially since the PA State Police are going to place a new barracks at the site.  That way, any security concerns may be resolved quickly and thoroughly.”

When asked if the council has turned down any business propositions he replied, “Not very many.  The letters of intent that have arrived so far are high quality proposals from reputable businesses.  The only one that may be questionable is a proposal from an alligator theme park/petting zoo.  There are two concerns that should be easily fixed.  One is suitable temperature controls for their habitats.  The second is their security protocol in case of an escape or an attack.  I would like to see more other than a bullet point that says, ‘Solution: choot him.’  Even if they don’t follow through with resolving those concerns, I am very optimistic for the future of the building site.  I really hope the local community will get behind our plans and help Shippensburg succeed in this next phase of growth.”

The next meeting for public input on the proposed expansion is scheduled for September 2019.

No Amish had a heart attack while writing this article. This is a satire guest article by "Jebediah Martin".

Shippensburg Celebrates Diversity at Memorial Park with Islamic Flag

SHIPPENSBURG, PA - In a ceremony celebrating religious diversity of Shippensburg residents, today the Borough raised a new flag over Memorial Park - the flag of Islam. The flag will fly over the park until the April 15th to help the town celebrate the diversity of its residents.

"We know our residents will be very happy with our diversity celebration today, and that the $10,000 spent on this flag is a symbol that we can all live together in peace" said one of the council members.

Borough residents had previously complained on social media that no flag was flying at the park, to which they were informed that the American Flag previously flying in the park had been taken down over the winter and needed replaced.

On April 16th, the flag will be replaced by a flag from Mexico.

I wonder if they'll put an alligator in that park too.  The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Exclusive Interview with Immigrant Midget Operating Martins' New Robot

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Our local Martins recently placed in service a "robot" designed to patrol the store and detect spills. However, after undercover reporting at Martins, The Hagerstown Report has uncovered that there is actually a undocumented immigrant named "Carlos" inside the robot, operating it. We have obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with Carlos. More below...

THR: So everyone thinks this is actually a robot. But it turns out there's actually a person inside, can you tell us a little more about that?

Carlos: Yea, Martins' couldn't actually get the robot to work, so they hired us to get inside and drive the things around and find spills. I was like "do I have to actually clean up the spills?" and they were like "nah dawg you just radio the employees and one of them cleans it up, easy money!"

THR: But how do you fit into the robot?

Carlos: I'm only 4 foot tall, so I fit in the bottom part pretty easy. There's a padded chair and everything in there man! It's actually pretty awesome!

THR: How did you get this job anyways?

Carlos: Ok so me and my homies just got finished digging this drug smuggling tunnel from Mexico to the US when these guys in suits show up. We're about to start running like hell when one of them says "No no, we're not with ICE, we're here to off you guys jobs!" So we listened to what they had to say, and they know we're used to being in confined spaces digging tunnels all day, and said we could come work in the US doing a somewhat legit job where we get to be inside all day. At first we didn't think this was real, but then they showed us pictures of that guy inside of R2-D2, and we were like WOWWWWWW ok sign us up!

THR: Are you and your friends worried about being deported?

Carlos: Nah dawg! It's the PERFECT hiding spot - cause like we're hiding in plain sight. What's ICE going to do, try to deport a robot?

THR: So are you going to stay here a while and just work this job, or do you have other career goals?

Carlos: Well to be honest dawg after they showed us those pictures of R2-D2, that really made me re-think my career goals. I mean here was this badass little robot and it was actually a dude inside! So I started looking around and sure enough there's other opportunities too! So this will just be a stepping stone to greater careers!

THR: Like what?

Carlos: Like you know those hand dryers in bathrooms? Everybody thinks those are just heated fans, but it's actually a guy inside the wall blowing on your hands when you push the button!

THR: Wow.

Carlos: Wow.

THR: Anything else you'd like to add before we wrap this up?

Carlos: Yea dawg - ladies will you stop letting your kids tap on the side of the robot? It really echos inside and gives me headaches! Also, stop asking me where stuff is in the store, you'll blow my cover!!!!

We thank Carlos for his exclusive interview, and wish him the best in his career.

R2-D2 actually did have a person inside - who knew? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

An Open Letter to WDVM and Nexstar regarding Antietam Broadband

Dear WDVM and Nexstar,

The whole Washington County community has watched for quite some time now as you continue to attempt to "wage war" against Antietam Broadband, and even attempt to pull Hagerstown City Council into your dispute. Enough is enough, let's try to fix this.

We are very sorry to hear that you could not successfully negotiate a new retransmission fee with Antietam Broadband. As a local satire source, we fully understand the importance of having local news easily available to residents in the Hagerstown and Washington County area. Local news is extremely important to keep residents informed of local issues, especially local issues which should impact local elections.

In case you hadn't noticed, Antietam Cable has rebranded themselves as Antietam Broadband. Why do you think that is? Perhaps it's because they want to be recognized as an Internet provider, because they see that's where a significant piece of their income will be in the future.

If you have been unable to determine from the comments on social media, most area residents no longer feel your station is relevant to their lives. They have no idea when our "local" news is going to be available, and half the news stories on your website and social media have no indication where the article is from. The harsh reality is, most people in the Hagerstown area don't care whatsoever what is going on in Fairfax, VA or Montgomery County, MD.

Yes, we have been poking fun at you during this, and our readers have been enjoying it. And rightfully so - when you harass the mayor of Hagerstown and try to get him to comment on a private dispute between two businesses, this doesn't make him look like the bad guy for not commenting, this makes WDVM look foolish. This "PR campaign disguised as news reports" is not fooling any local residents.

And why would local Hagerstown residents care about WDVM? After all, the station shifted focus away from their primary audience in 2017 with the change of the station callsign from WHAG to WDVM, and began expanding news coverage outside the Hagerstown and Washington County area. This is a path which WDVM started down in 2017. WDVM will continue to stumble until it finds a better direction.

You have already lost your battle with Antietam Broadband.  Embrace that. Use this as an opportunity to further expand, and better focus on the future, instead of living in the past.

Here are a few suggestions on how to improve your station's future...

1) Abandon your fight with Antietam Broadband. Seriously, you're making yourselves look bad, and turning more of the local community against you, instead of getting them to support you.

2) Break your station's online presence into target markets. For example, WDVM-Hagerstown, or WDVM-Frederick. Show relevant news for those target markets on the appropriate sites and social media pages.

3) Start restoring the trust of your local market by delivering them local news they can trust. With more and more people dropping cable completely and switching to just online streaming and articles, you have an opportunity to truly flourish in the Hagerstown area without being carried on Antietam Broadband.  Right now your site is the ONLY local news site in Hagerstown which is not behind a paywall. Embrace that!

4) Embrace online technology. Why not setup a live stream of your station instead of relying on retransmission fees? Show value to your advertisers that you're embracing new technologies and keeping your content free, while other local news sites actually discourage people from visiting with their paywalls.

5) Realize that people want to be entertained, not informed. This is a lesson I learned a long time ago. Before The Hagerstown Report, I had a serious news organization for local residents. It never took off - because people weren't simply interested in being informed. But The Hagerstown Report's satire - that's entertaining, and as such the site has experienced massive growth without spending any money on marketing at all. Just imagine if we already had a marketing budget like WDVM, what we would be able to accomplish. Keep this lesson in mind, and try to adjust your programming accordingly.

We want to see your station succeed. We want to see your station grow. We want to see your station prosper.

Please, right the ship, and set a new course, before it's too late.

If you'd like to discuss more, I'd be happy to do so. Send me a message on Facebook, and let's setup a time to chat.

Ken, Editor of the Hagerstown Report

This article is NOT satire. This is actually some serious stuff.

Hagerstown Speed Cam "X-Ray" Upgrade Completed

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the city council announced that the "x-ray" upgrade to the speed cameras has been completed. This upgrade will allow the speed cameras to also issue citations for marijuana possession, which carries a fine of $100.

The new program is designed to help reduce people driving under the influence of marijuana, as well as boost declining speed cam revenues in the City of Hagerstown by 25%.

"Marijuana is still punishable by a civil fine, and the city has decided to take advantage of that to increase revenue." stated a city representative.

Motorists may appeal the citation by turning over the contact information for the dealer who sold them the marijuana. Appeals are not guaranteed.

Bombarding moving vehicles with x-rays sounds like a wonderful idea, I'm sure there wouldn't be any side effects whatsoever. The Hagerstown Report is satire.