Cloned T-Rex Terrorizes New Years Celebration

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A cloned T-Rex inspired by the techniques used in Jurassic Park escaped from the basement cloning facility of the Discovery Station, and began terrorizing the city today. While authorities spent most of the day searching for the T-Rex, which is named "Tessy", the T-Rex found them today as it sought to get a taste of the giant donut being used in the New Years Eve Donut Drop.

Tessy was cloned in the basement laboratory of the Discovery Station by local mad scientist Brittany Wedd in a program designed to help control the geese population in City Park. She has been trained to only eat geese, but further research has uncovered that Wedd was feeding Tessy Krumpe's Donuts as a "treat" for good behavior. As a result, Tessy has developed a sweet tooth, and sought to get a taste of the giant donut dropped on New Years Eve in Hagerstown.

Fortunately after attempting to bite the giant donut, the lights surrounding the donut briefly shocked Tessy, allowing authorities to subdue her. She is being transported to a secure location near Hagerstown City Park where she will be provided medical care, and evaluated if she is still fit to help control City Park's geese population.

Unfortunately for many Hagerstown residents, unless they took out the optional "Dinosaur Protection" rider on their home insurance or car insurance policies, any damage caused by Tessy will not be covered.

I'll be vacationing on Isla Nublar this summer. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Frederick School Board Unanimously Votes to Ban Themselves from School Property

FREDERICK, MD - In light of recent news that Aje Hill, a young man who founded a nonprofit aimed at keeping kids out of trouble, found himself banned from FCPS property due to his minor criminal record, the Frederick School Board voted unanimously to ban themselves from school property due to their own minor criminal records.

"Seeing as one of the charges against Mr. Hill was running a stop sign in Atlanta, GA, we had to hold ourselves to the same strict standard." stated one of the school board members.

All of the school board members themselves have a terrible history of parking and speeding tickets, resulting in their unanimous vote that they are unfit to be on FCPS property.

Shortly after conducting the vote, the school board members were escorted off the property by security, and given a no trespass order by FCPS Security Director Scott Blundell.

"Doesn't matter, I wasn't planning on being here much longer anyway." stated Ken Kerr, who is currently using his Frederick school board office as a stepping stone for Maryland State Delegate. Kerr ran on the slogan "Education Matters", is now running under the slogan "Using Education as a Stepping Stone Matters".

It is currently unknown where future school board meetings will be held, since the board members are now banned from FCPS property.

FCPS is still considering renaming to Fredrick County Public Schools. The Hagerstown Report is satire.