Hagerstown Ball Park Sold to Waynesboro, PA

Original for-sale ad

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After very few attempts to further negotiations with the Suns, the Hagerstown city council voted tonight to proceed with the sale of Municipal Stadium to Waynesboro, PA.

The "final measure" sale guarantees that the Suns will no longer be able to play in Hagerstown after the conclusion of the 2018 season.

"Waynesboro is excited to welcome Municipal Stadium to our community. We are already in the process of clearing the ground necessary to establish our new stadium." stated a representative from Waynesboro.

Massive crawler machines will be used to transport the stadium, piece by piece, across back roads between Hagerstown and Waynesboro. Construction firms hired for the job have stated that the move of the stadium will be "nothing short of a miracle" and a "true marvel of modern engineering."

Hagerstown residents had mixed reactions to the news of the sale.

"Finally I can get some peace and quiet!" stated one resident who lives close to the stadium, "I won't have to hear their fireworks or loudspeaker anymore!"

Another resident was not as optimistic, "The stadium employs a significant amount of people on a season basis, and also provides residual economic stimulus for surrounding businesses. This will be a deep blow to an already struggling city, and will ultimately result in more local businesses closing."

The Hagerstown Suns were not available for immediate comment.

No engineers guffawed at plans to relocate a ball park while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Top 7 Most Bizarre Websites about Hagerstown in 2015

The Hagerstown Report recently conducted a completely unscientific poll of a local homeless guy without Internet access, asking him which local websites were the most ridiculous and bizarre.

Without further delay, The Hagerstown Report is proud to provide our top 7 list for 2015.

City Council Expands Borders, Raises Taxes

Map of the expanded City of Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a last minute effort to increase income in 2016, coupled with the sudden realization by the City Council that there are areas with Hagerstown mailing addresses, but do not fall under city limits, the mayor and council voted unanimously to expand the city limits to most of Washington County.

"We realized there's great potential for additional tax revenue, so we had to act quickly in order to get in before the end of the fiscal year. Now we can retroactively tax a larger population for 2015," stated a council member.

The expanded area is estimated to double the city's income for 2016 tax returns, while allowing it to defer all maintenance to Washington County until officially ratified by the Maryland State Legislature in 2018.

"For two years we're going to have double the tax revenue, with no additional maintenance costs! It's amazing!"

Hagerstown plans include additional speed cameras in county area schools, as well as using the additional tax income to build more walking trails.

"Nobody wants to walk in downtown Hagerstown for safety reasons, so now we can build walking trails outside the city where crime is lower. It's a win win!"

Due to a tax loophole, residents will have to pay retroactively for all of 2015 when filing their income taxes this spring.

No tax accountants suffered heart attacks while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Beretta Cancels Pop Tart Shaped Gun Plans

ACCOKEEK, MD - Today Maryland gun manufacturer Beretta canceled its plans to mass produce a "Pop Tart Shaped Gun".

The fully automatic, silenced pop tart gun, while exceeding performance of similar weapons, simply failed to pass consumer interest.

"We thought it was a tasty idea, " said one spokesperson, "but ultimately consumer demand showed that our customers simply aren't interested in purchasing firearms they can also eat for breakfast."

The firearm was already experiencing production problems, in that baked goods simply don't provide the same strength as metal, and early prototypes would crumble during loading, or even worse, explode while firing.

"We almost had the production problems solved when we switched from traditional pastry crust to the crust they use in Hot Pockets. That stuff is so tough and heat resilient, the outside of the gun was heating up, but the center stayed ice cold, just like actual Hot Pockets!"

Beretta will now concentrate on its newest line of firearms, designed to comply with proposed gun control regulations. In order to fire this experimental firearm, the user must electronically submit to a background check prior to each trigger pull, using the built in wireless transceiver. Once the background check has been completed within 24 hours, the firearm will allow a single shot to be fired.

No pastry wielding school kids were suspended while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

You Won't Believe What Is In City Park Lake!

Sonar image of City Park lake

HAGERSTOWN, MD - During initial surveys of City Park lake, in preparation for upcoming dredging, workers were quite surprised to discover an anomaly in the sonar scans.

"We kind of suspected there was something unusual when Ally the alligator was acting strange. There was one area of the lake she just absolutely wouldn't swim near. We thought maybe it was just trash, or maybe some sort of underwater pollution. But we never expected this!"

Ally the alligator was purchased by the city for geese population control, and will return to City Park lake this spring. For now, she is comfortably resting in a heated environment inside the old Sears building at Long Meadow, and occasionally taken to the YMCA to "stretch her legs".

Sonar scans discovered a 50 meter, or 164 foot, wide metal circle in one corner of the lake.

Officials are quite puzzled what the circle could be. Visual inspections confirmed the object is made of metal, but most of the object is buried beneath silt.

"It's going to make excavation difficult. We can't simply dredge out the object using normal methods, it will have to be completely excavated by hand."

Much speculation exists around what the object could be. While many are saying the object is "simply a piece of debris left over from construction of the park", there are a few who suspect the object may be a crashed UFO.

"If there are any aliens inside, they are here illegally, and must be deported immediately! We have no screening process in place, and for all we know they could be terrorists!" stated one local resident.

However, another local resident felt differently, "We should welcome these alien refugees, and not give in to fear. Undoubtedly the government will be able to screen them to verify they're not a threat."

No extra-terrestrials were trapped underwater while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.