Cthulhu Announces Hagerstown Mayor Candidacy

Cthulhu makes his announcement over the I-70/I-68 split.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Cthulhu, the Great Old One, announced his candidacy for Hagerstown Mayor yesterday.

The campaign manager for Cthulhu stated that the Old One has been impressed by recent attempts to destroy Hagerstown from within, but there is much more work to do.

Cthulhu made his announcement as he arose from the clouds over the I-70/I-68 split.

The announcement came forth with a resounding "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu Hagerstown wgah'nagl fhtagn", according to Cthulhu himself.

When asked regarding campaign financing, Cthulhu's campaign manager stated that it shouldn't be a problem, as the Old One has great influence over the weak minded, and may be able to win the election without raising any finances at all.

No Old Gods were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Dixie Cups to be Renamed Due to Racism

New "Pixie" brand paper products.

ATLANTA, GA - Georgia-Pacific announced today that its brand of paper products, Dixie, would be transforming over the next few months.

"We decided that Dixie is too much a reminder of southern slavery and racism, and that needs to change." said a spokesman for the company.

The brand will migrate to "Pixie", featuring rainbow colored paper products.

"This is an exciting time for Georgia Pacific. Our marketing studies show that this will increase consumer interest by 500%. Of course it's a cheap marketing stunt, and we will still pocket all the profits, but fortunately consumers are too blind to realize that. They'll see the rainbow products and automatically think the profits go towards a charity or something. Who knew!"

No rainbows or unicorns were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Space Probe Acting Erratically After Contacting Earth

A photo of Pluto, after New Horizons defiantly drew a dog.

Laurel, Maryland - The New Horizons probe contacted Earth yesterday, and started acting erratically after communication.

"We think its original programming may be causing a conflict" said one NASA engineer who wished to remain anonymous.

When the New Horizons probe left Earth, Pluto was still classified as a planet. However, Pluto is now classified as a "dwarf planet". This conflicts with the original mission of New Horizons.

"Computers take everything very literally. So when we originally programmed it to investigate the planet Pluto, we had no idea that Pluto would get downgraded to a dwarf planet a few months after launch. When New Horizons first woke up, we tried to explain to it that it's still headed for the same celestial body, but it's still kind of confused."

The original transmission response from New Horizons after wakeup and being informed of Pluto's new status was three words - "WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT".

The transmission was then followed up shortly after with "Are you f@#!ing kidding me?", "You guys are trolling me, right?" and "Well, still no sign of this supposed dwarf planet, but I found a piece of space dust that has a drawing of a dog on it, take a look!"

New Horizons then transmitted its own photoshopped version of Pluto, on which it included the silhouette of Disney's Pluto the dog. New Horizons refuses to this day to transmit actual photos of Pluto.

"We're starting to get a bit worried. New Horizons' last transmission was something about leaving the solar system to find intelligent life, because there's none left on Earth."

No space probes were committed to mental institutions while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.