One historian had a theory that this may be part of the lost treasure from the ransom of Hagerstown in 1864. For those not familiar, in July of 1864 the RACIST Confederate Army demanded a ransom of $20,000 as well as 1,500 sets of clothing or they would burn the City of Hagerstown. With the aid of the Hagerstown Bank, the city was able to raise the ransom demand in coins and paper money, and prevent the burning of the town.
"This important class will ensure that all students are properly indoctrinated to be offended at everything they disagree with, in accordance with our liberal education programs." stated a college representative. An adjunct faculty teacher in the Philosophy and History department has already volunteered to teach the class.
We at The Hagerstown Report are highly disappointed by this statement. Numerous times have we not only shown photographic evidence of the alligator's existence, including with former mayor and current city council member Bob Bruchey, but the city has even sponsored meet and greet events with our friendly neighborhood gator.
How remarkable is it, that less than a week after the inauguration of a new president that the media which previously intentionally did not cover the gator's existence is now set on demonizing those who believe in the gator? This revisionist history is going too far. What's next, will they tell us that the migratory lake dolphins are also a conspiracy theory? Or that our underground sister city Elizabethtown doesn't exist?
The truth of the matter is that newspapers are dying, and trust in the news media is at an all time low.
We expect better from our local government and local news media. As the article states, we "deserve better", and that includes more honest and in-depth reporting from local news media.
Want to help? Sign our petition to #SaveAlly and have the Hagerstown City Council acknowledge the alligator's existence.
On a more serious note, WTF ever happened to investigative journalism? A quick Google search leads to multiple articles about the Hagerstown Alligator which are clearly labeled as satire. Who knew that an alligator could somehow be linked to the incident at the Capitol? Wow. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
With the push of a button, the House or Senate leader will be able to punish dissenters and those who disagree with the majority, by delivering a mild electric shock no more powerful than sticking a fork in an electric socket.
"It turns out that being considered "indoors" vs "outdoors" is just a matter of if the roof is permanent. We don't actually even need to have the roof open to be considered outdoors - we just need to prove that the roof can be removed.
State officials are scrambling to figure out what can be done to prevent small businesses from using this loophole. "These restrictions were specifically designed to destroy small businesses, so that more people will rely on government aid. By bypassing these restrictions, they're endangering our future careers as politicians, and that's unacceptable." stated one member of Governor Hogan's staff and upcoming 2024 Hogan for President campaign advisor.
Unlike previous retractable roof systems, which involved many moving parts and were extremely expensive, the new improved retractable systems were inspired by the retractable roof installed on Heinz Field for the Pittsburg Steelers. This system features one large cover with only two hinges, and can be typically be built using common components from local hardware stores.
"We really hope this flushes away COVID" stated one local restaurant owner, "as we know that COVID becomes completely harmless once you're dining outdoors."
COVID restrictions are killing our small businesses and it's really shitty. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Many people follow the tradition of baking a ham for Christmas, and an opportunity now presents itself that the people of Hagerstown could greatly increase their income through the providing of holiday meals to the wealthy on a yearly basis as part of the recovery efforts from the economic devastation of COVID lockdowns. The people of Hagerstown, MD have, for far too long, found themselves at a disadvantage to the rest of the state. While the state has a median income of over $83,000, the City of Hagerstown's median income is half of this figure at $40,000 - and only a few counties away is one of the richest counties in the United States, Montgomery County, with a median income of almost $100,000. With the ushering in of a new, progressive national administration, it is time to fix this wealth inequality and equalize the median income of these two counties.
It is commonly known that the more wealthy elite of our neighbors to the east enjoy some rather unique delicacies to satisfy their taste pallets. Washington County has always traditionally been an agricultural community, so it is only fitting that this great wealth inequality be resolved through new, revolutionary farming and harvesting techniques. I can think of no better way to fix this wealth inequality than have the great people of Hagerstown utilize our agricultural roots to provide special delicacies to the people of Montgomery County.
As there are approximately 29,386 adults in Hagerstown, 4,899 of which are seniors, and approximately 52% of all Hagerstown residents are female, there are approximately 12,700 women in Hagerstown of child bearing age. Simultaneously, there are approximately 1,000,000 people in Montgomery County. If we assume that median income is distributed across a standard bell curve, then the top 1% income earners in Montgomery County is approximately 10,000 people. The fortunate news for Hagerstown is that the city has more women of child bearing age than the number of Montgomery County residents in the top 1% income bracket.
On average, a child is born weighing 7.5 pounds in the United States, and after one year will weigh on average between 19 and 21 pounds. Coincidentally, the average bone-in Christmas Ham weighs between 10 and 18 pounds. When taking into account that children typically have more bones than a ham, the amount of meat is similar. Now you must admit, that while the average ham costs $1.48 to $1.98 a pound, children are much more difficult to care for in their first year than a pig, so a much higher value should be afforded to children, for example a thousand times more valuable. This means a child should be worth between $1480 to $1980 per pound, producing on average an additional $34,600 income per year for Hagerstown families. This instantly increases the median income of Hagerstown residents to $57,300. representing a significant improvement in quality of life.
As an additional bonus, no longer would religious groups need to protest the abortion clinic in downtown Hagerstown, as their services would no longer be needed or desired. This would result in much more free time for not only the protesters, but also those who volunteer as escorts for people using the clinic's services. I believe that everyone would agree, having more time to spend with family and friends is a benefit for the mental well being of all involved.
The residents of Montgomery County would benefit from this redistribution of wealth as well. Instead of simply losing their income through taxes, this yearly expense could possibly even be tax deductible as an entertainment expense for wealthy business owners attempting to impress their government clients, congressmen, and senators. No more would these events need to be held in the basements of pizza shops or arcades, but could instead really get into the holiday spirit of cooking with open gatherings in their homes, or even in high-end restaurant establishments. Best of all, the potential lifting of COVID lockdowns in Maryland coincides with prime harvesting age for the large population boom which most of the country is facing this December. The timing is absolutely perfect, in that one year from now most of the children conceived as a result of COVID lockdowns will reach the appropriate size and weight. What may have originally been perceived as an economic catastrophe for Hagerstown may indeed be its shining moment to greatly improve its economic standing.
Readers are encouraged to write to President-Elect Biden and Maryland Governor Hogan in support of this plan. Only through your action can the legal framework be put in place to make this tremendous economic boost for Hagerstown a reality.
We hope that Jonathan Swift would be proud. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
BOONSBORO, MD - Several local residents expressed confusion, frustration at a billboard in town which says "Black Lives Matter - Paid for by the People of Boonsboro". While the billboard displays a rather simple message, town residents seem very confused as to its meaning.
Most of the confusion is centered around the part of the sign which reads "Paid for by the People of Boonsboro". Boonsboro residents were shocked when they learned that people can pay for something without government or corporate approval.
"You mean it says paid for by the people but the government didn't pay for it? That can't be - everybody knows you need government approval for people to do anything! Is this some sort of CNN trick? FAKE NEWS!" stated one town resident as he took a break from his Alex Jones podcast.
Another resident, wearing a #WWG1WGA shirt, stated "I don't understand why Boonsboro would need a sign like this. There's no racism in Boonsboro, because there would have to be minorities in Boonsboro for racism to exist, and and all the minorities moved out years ago!"
The town of Boonsboro was forced to release a statement in an attempt to stop the flood of calls to town hall. Early drafts of the statement, which started with "We're not racist, but..." were quickly replaced with more politically correct statements disavowing the town having anything to do with the billboard.
Meanwhile, Sharpsburg's town council has stated that the Boonsboro billboard is "clearly a declaration of war" and that "the South shall rise again" and a formal declaration of war against Boonsboro is forthcoming. The town representative read this statement while standing next to the former slave block on Shepherdstown Pike.
Boonsboro has not yet responded to the declaration of war, but several town residents expressed concern that residents could become quickly confused who was fighting for which town, since so many would be waving Confederate flags.
We'd like to thank the people who donated to this sign for causing this epic hilarity, including Ryan Miner who so generously donated in Jerry DeWolf's and several other local Republicans' names. The Hagerstown Report (and this article) is satire.
