Increased Hagerstown Military Presence Due to Crashed UFO

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After several days of increased military aircraft over Hagerstown, investigative journalists have discovered the true reason - a crashed UFO.

Late Monday night an unidentified object was seen crash-landing into the recently dredged city park lake. While no official comment could be obtained, sources have revealed anonymously that the occupants of the spacecraft escaped unharmed, and were suspected to be hiding somewhere in Washington County.

"We believe they mistook the Pod for wreckage, and were attempting a rescue mission," stated one official on the condition of anonymity, "unfortunately the craft collided with a tree and crashed into the lake."

Officials have denied any rumors that the Pod is in fact an alien spacecraft, and have since removed the crashed UFO to a secure location in an empty building outside Hagerstown airport. A local private contractor has been hired to study the craft and reverse-engineer it.

In the meantime, residents should be aware that several extra-terrestrial life forms may be on the loose. It is suspected that these life forms may be able to assume the form of humans, so be on the lookout for residents acting unusual, such as staring blankly into space or forgetting to put on pants - as these may be signs of an alien impostor.

Fortunately, Ally the alligator was already in her winter atrium, so she was not harmed by the UFO crash.

No residents received anal probes from extra-terrestrials while writing this article, though it's quite possible one of them forgot her pants. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Creepy Clowns Try to Lure Local Drug Dealers Into Storm Drains

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Possibly inspired by the release of a recent horror film, there have been several reports of rather creepy clowns attempting to lure local drug dealers into storm drains by offering free narcotics.

"We're all high as hell down here Jimmy! And when you come down here, you'll be high too!" was uttered by one of the clowns according to witnesses.

The clowns are working their way into city storm drains, then tying red balloons to the grates to get others' attention.

Once a drug dealer is seen examining the balloon, the clown then attempts to convince the dealer to join him in the storm drain, making promises of free heroin or other drugs.

"I almost fell for it!" said one local dealer, "but luckily I remembered what happened last time a creepy clown offered me free drugs out of a van, and hell that was just a couple months ago, and my backside is still sore!"

Hagerstown residents are encouraged not to enter any storm drains, even without clowns they can be extremely dangerous.

If shoe size is related to the size of other parts of the body, why aren't more clowns porn stars? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Found at Scene of Burger King Demolition

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The demolition of the Burger King on Dual Highway has been completed, but local concerns and confusion remains.

Few residents expected the sudden demolition of the local fast food joint, and many wondered why. Today, significant amounts of Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) were found by passersby.

"It's everywhere!" claimed a local resident. "It's covering the entire site, and today there was even some of the DHMO in the sky! It's crazy!"

Dihydrogen Monoxide, aka Hydrogen Hydroxide, aka DHMO, an industrial solvent and coolant, is an "enabling component" of acid rain -- in the absence of sufficient quantities of DHMO, acid rain is not a problem. Significant amounts of DHMO were also present at the recent chemical plant fire in Houston during Hurricane Harvey.

You can read more about DHMO at DHMO.org

If you are concerned about the effects of DHMO on your family, The Hagerstown Report has DHMO protective gear for sale.

Representatives from Burger King and the City of Hagerstown could not be reached for comment.

Eat recycled food. It's good for the environment, and okay for you. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

County Commissioners Approve Toll-Booth Wall Around Hagerstown to Reduce Crime

Artist's sketch of the "Great Wall of Hagerstown"

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a last ditch effort to control the growing crime problems in Washington County, today the County Commissioners voted unanimously to construct a wall around Hagerstown.

"This is our endgame. We're going to build a wall around Hagerstown, then setup speed-camera powered toll booths to charge anyone entering or leaving the city." stated one of the commissioners, "People won't be able to afford to leave, so crime in the rest of the county will go down."

Residents will be given a 30 day notice prior to the implementation of the toll booths, so that those who wish to permanently leave may do so.

Commissioners denied any preferential treatment when it was announced that the wall would be constructed by a Commissioner's construction company, and another Commissioner's electrical company providing wiring for the flood lights.

Construction of the wall is currently scheduled to begin November 31, 2017.

Local area school children will be asked to paint murals on the outside of the wall, in memory of the once great city.

Just think how much money the county is going to be making when they turn on the new speed cameras! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

South Hagerstown High School to Drop Rebels Team Name

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Long known for their "Rebels" team name, the South Hagerstown High School is about to get a new team name, thanks to political correctness.

"The Rebels lost the civil war, it's time we erase them from this history books!" claimed Principal Wilhuff Tarkin, "The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away forever!"

Some local residents were not happy about the announcement.

"I'm surprised he had the courage to take the responsibility himself." stated parent Leah Organa.

"We must keep our faith in the Republic. The day we stop believing democracy can work is the day we lose it." said local Jamillia Queen.

Principal Tarkin brushed aside the criticism, saying that the renaming of the team "is a statement, not a manifesto."

The SHHS Rebels will become the SHHS Imperials on September 31.

Now witness the power of this fully operational satire site! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Commissioners Approve Rename to Warshington County

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the County Commissioners approved a unanimous resolution to rename Washington County to Warshington County.

"It's about branding consistency" stated a county representative.

Some companies and consumers had become confused as to where Washington County was, due to the fact that there are multiple Washington Counties across the country, and many local residents pronounce the county name as "Warshington".

Now Wasrshington County can stand out among the other counties, with very little effort required in the rebranding effort.

"After all, many local residents say the name with an R in it anyway, so why not help be consistent."

The name change prompted applause from our county's neighbors to the east. "Fredrick County applauds Warshington County in following suit with our recent name modernization. Many of our residents pronounce our county without the extra E in Frederick, so it only makes sense for Warshington County to make a similar change."

No English teachers were harmed while writing this article, though some may have difficulty reading it. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

How THR found the racist Facebook user behind the Trump wrestling meme

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The racist Facebook user who initially claimed credit for President Donald Trump's tweet that showed Trump torturing The Hagerstown Report in a wrestling match issued an apology Tuesday for the meme and other offensive content he posted -- one day after The Hagerstown Report identified the man behind the account and attempted to make contact with him.

The Facebook user, whose screenname is so racist and vulgar it can't even be printed here, first shared the image on November 31, 2016, at precisely 8:37 pm. Using numerology, our writers were able to use this post as well as digital forensic evidence from the obviously racist photoshop methods to pinpoint his exact GPS coordinates, where we sent in a remote control drone to announce that we are on to him.

Now the user is apologizing, after The Hagerstown Report sent our Italian cousin "Bruno" to the user's home to show him what an actual wrestling match feels like.

"He won't be doing that again!" said Bruno, "the only thing he might be doing is writing a book called Fifty Shades of Black and Blue!"

The user has now apologized, as well as removed all of his offensive "My Little Pony" memes from his personal Facebook page. After posting his apology, the user called Bruno and let Bruno know that he could release his prized alpaca from being held hostage.

Trump has not issued an apology for the tweet, because obviously he's racist.

The user who created the meme is still a racist, but we have blackmail material now, and the user won't be doing anything like this again, or we'll publicly release his personal information.

Checkmate alt-right keyboard warriors. Mainstream media wins this round.

No memelords were injured while writing this post. The Hagerstown Report is satire, which is sadly sometimes mirrored by reality.