City Approves Controversial Chinese "Equus Steakhouse" Franchise

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As part of the new sister-city arrangement with Xinjin, China, today the city council approved the controversial Chinese "Equus Steakhouse" franchise to open a restaurant downtown.

"Equus Steakhouse" is a popular restaurant chain in China, specializing in horse meat steaks.

"This is just one of the first steps in our new sister-city relationship with Xinjin, China" stated one of the council members. "The restaurant should create twenty part-time, minimum wage jobs, most of which will be staffed by illegal immigrants so they don't need to pay taxes on the employees."

China is currently the world's top producer of horse meat. In 2010, China produced 170 thousand metric tonnes of horse meat, most of which was designated for human consumption.

The USDA opened the door for horse meat processing in the United States in 2013 when it approved the slaughtering of horses for meat. Equus Steakhouse has applied for and received a special permit to sell cooked horse meat in its restaurant, and is the first international food chain to receive such a permit from the US government.

"If they're going to understand our culture, first we need to work to understand theirs." said the Mayor. "Dining is part of their culture as much as it is ours."

No horses were served on a platter while writing this article. Slaughtering horses for meat is not cool guys. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Lost City Discovered Under Hagerstown ...Population 400!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After several months, the City of Hagerstown has revealed the reason the MELP plant demolition has ceased. During demolition, an entry way to an underground city was discovered.

In 1812, the City of Hagerstown was built over top of what was at the time called Elizabethtown, named after Jonathan Hager's wife. Many thought the buildings in Elizabethtown were destroyed during the construction of Hagerstown, however, recent discoveries have proved otherwise.

Remarkably, not only have most buildings survived the past 200 years, but there are still residents living in Elizabethtown! In fact, early estimates show approximately 400 people still reside in this long lost city.

Featuring a subway system, as well as steam powered electricity generation, the underground city still uses much technology from the early 1800's.

Residents of Elizabethtown are very reclusive, and appear to be suffering from Vitamin D deficiency due to lack of sunlight. The residents appear to speak an unknown dialect of German, which may tie back to Hagerstown's original roots. Researchers from University of Maryland are feverishly working to try and understand the unique language of these residents.

Hagerstown residents are recommended not to attempt to gain entry into Elizabethtown. Decades of lack of food has resulted in the residents becoming cannibalistic.

No urban adventurers were devoured while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

China Announces Purchase of Hagerstown

The new City of Hagerstown flag.

Chengdu, China - After negotiations in Chengdu, China with Mayor David Gysberts, China announced that it has finally purchased the City of Hagerstown.

"This represents a turning point in our countries' cooperative efforts! Never before has China purchased outright an entire city!" stated one China official.

The Chinese government stresses that the residents of Hagerstown will still have full autonomy over their lives, however, the tax rate of the City will increase to 95%.

Planned improvements to Hagerstown include the opening of several Foxconn manufacturing plants, in which Hagerstown residents will be provided jobs for one dollar per hour.

The Foxconn wage is perfectly legal, as Foxconn will only employ residents as 1099 contractors, instead of employees. Contractors will be expected to work at least 70 hours per week.

Apple Computers was overjoyed at the news. "Finally we can slap a Made in America sticker on our iPhones!"

"What really blew us away was the Mayor's vision for rebuilding Hagerstown. He talked about wanting to have a war to clear out all the old buildings, and we will be happy to explore that option!" stated a Chinese military official.

China takes possession of the City of Hagerstown and its residents on April 1. Any resident who does not wish to become property of China should move immediately.

No mayors caused international incidents while writing this article, at least we hope not anyway. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Escaped Animal Terrorizes Downtown Hagerstown

Eye witness photo

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a science experiment gone wrong mirroring a Jurassic Park movie, an apparent dinosaur escaped from the Discovery Station and terrorized downtown.

The dinosaur, a small Tyrannosaurus Rex, was originally brought to life through cloning and splicing of DNA from Ally, the alligator in Hagerstown City Park.

Initial casualty reports are unavailable, and city officials refused to comment.

Brittany Wedd, Director of Operations, is currently suspected of being the scientist responsible for bringing the creature to life. Officials are investigating, and the creature remains at large.

Residents are encouraged to wear small bells and carry pepper spray as a deterrent should they encounter the creature. Residents should also be aware of how to recognize Tyrannosaurus scat, to avoid its current nesting grounds. Tyrannosaurus scat often contains small bells, and can faintly smell of pepper.

Eye witness photo

No museum directors' arms were devoured by extinct creatures while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Leiters Mill Road Bridge Closes to Protect Endangered Fur Bearing Trout

Picture of fur bearing trout. CC BY 2.0 Samantha Marx

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The discovery of the endangered fur bearing trout nesting below Leiters Mill Road Bridge has prompted officials to close the bridge as precautions are put in place to encourage the fish to reproduce, and protect the fish from warm weather in the spring. The bridge will close February 15, and will remain closed for at least six months.

The fur bearing trout, first discovered in Scotland, is a rare mutation of rainbow trout, in which the fish adapts to colder climates by growing fur.

"We thought they were extinct in Washington County because of all the mild winters we've had lately," stated one official, "but the colder weather these past few months must have brought them out of hibernation."

The trout cannot survive in warmer waters, as they overheat due to the fur surrounding their bodies. The Maryland Department of the Environment will work closely with the Environmental Protection Agency to ensure cooler systems will be installed under the bridge to prevent the trout from overheating during the spring and summer.

Much like cicadas, fur bearing trout typically spend their warmer months burrowing under the stream bed, where the temperature is cooler. However, because the fur bearing trout have appeared late in the season, they may not hibernate in time to avoid the spring's heat.

Area residents are reminded that since the fur bearing trout is an endangered species, should you accidentally catch the fish, you must immediately release it back to the wild.

No EPA officials were baffled by mysterious fish while writing this post. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

What do politicians, superheroes, and strange YouTube videos have in common?

The following are REAL screenshots from campaign websites. Don't be too surprised if everything is gone by the time you read this article.

MARYLAND - Congressional candidates David Vogt and Terry Baker have a few surprises on their campaign websites. Both websites are designed with the popular software "WordPress", which is very customizable through the use of templates. However, when you forget to clean up the templates after install, sometimes things get a little wacky.

Parent with Annoying Children Offended by Teacher Joke About School Closure

Because, seriously, people complain about this stuff.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A complaint was filed today with Washington Public County Schools due to a joke posted by a teacher.

In the joke, the teacher stated that school officials had decided to open school regardless of snow in response to several parents complaining that their kids are driving them crazy.

One parent, who wished to remain anonymous due to fear of public backlash, proceeded to complain to the school board upon learning that it was only a joke.

"I've been trapped with these hellions for four days straight now! You think this is a joke? They've already duct-taped the cat to the ceiling fan twice, while singing something about spin me right round baby." stated the parent, "I can't discipline them because all the new age parenting books tell me I need to allow them to express themselves as children! I need to send them back to school so they can be someone else's problem!"

Washington Public County Schools have been closed for several days due to a blizzard.

Several other parents contacted The Hagerstown Report with similar complaints, concerned that they don't want to hurt their children's feelings by telling them to behave. These parents also complained that WPCS should take the "Barnie Sandlers" approach to education, and redistribute grades evenly across all students. After all, why should a student who worked and studied hard get a better grade than a student who didn't study?

Representatives for WPCS were not available for comment, as school was closed for the day, and most were drinking wine in celebration of not having to deal with the original complaining parent's kids.

Sadly some people are too easily offended. Scary enough, they also procreate. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.