Frederick Council Passes Trial by Combat Ordinance

FREDERICK, MD - Today the Frederick County Council passed through a unanimous vote an ordinance allowing arrestees for certain offenses by Frederick County Sheriff's Office to request a trial by combat against the county's appointed champion.

The ordinance was recommended and endorsed by Frederick County Sheriff's Office, as a method of expediently processing certain minor crimes without the cost of a full trial.

"Finally we can quickly provide the justice Frederick County deserves for some of these dangerous criminals" stated a representative from the Sheriff's Office.

Eligible crimes for trial by combat include:

• Publicly criticizing elected officials including the County Executive or Judges
• Displaying offensive signs in public view
• Release of balloons by anyone 12 years of age or older

Trial by combat will only be invoked after extensive research by the Frederick County Sheriff's Office to determine if your crimes are innocent mistakes or the result of thoughtcrime. Followers of The Hagerstown Report will instantly qualify.

Those selected for trial by combat will have their choice of utilizing dueling pistols, rapiers, or hand-to-hand combat.

In related news, the Frederick County Sheriff's Office has announced that it is training its appointed champion, the Barry the Frederick Bear, to ensure swift justice is delivered. "It will be interesting training the bear to use a flintlock pistol," stated a representative from the Sheriff's Office, "but I'm confident we can get it done. We do have a right to bear arms in this country after all."

If Harambe were still alive, he would be my champion. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, hi Chuck.

Hagerstown to Include Pride Ribbon for Out-of-town Speed Cam Tickets in June

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As part of an ongoing effort to increase tourism to Hagerstown and Washington County, the City of Hagerstown will be mailing out free Pride ribbons with out-of-town speed camera tickets during the month of June.

"We're extremely excited to leverage speed camera tickets as a means of advertising the great things our city is doing!" said a representative from Hagerstown.

Costing only $50 for each ribbon mailed out, once the recipient pays their speeding ticket the net cost of the ribbons is only $10. Fortunately 50% of that cost is covered through a state tourism grant, bringing the final cost to only $5 per ribbon.

When asked about the idea behind this new campaign, a representative from the City of Hagerstown stated that "the real inspiration was all of the corporations who change their logos to rainbows during June. We thought we're already contacting these out-of-town visitors to get them to pay a speed camera fine, why not give them motivation to come back by giving them free stuff? If they come back and get another speed cam ticket, we'll even send them another ribbon to share with family and friends!"

Some local residents were disappointed in the program. "Where's my free ribbon?" asked one resident, "I don't own a car, but if the city is giving out free stuff I want one too!"

No crazy tourism programs were implemented while writing this article. At least, we hope not. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Frederick Bear Not As Successful as Hagerstown Alligator

FREDERICK, MD - Frederick County and the City of Frederick, using the Hagerstown City Park Alligator as a model for its program, recently implemented a similar geese population control program using a former circus bear. Unfortunately, the bear program was not as successful as Hagerstown's alligator program.

The program was declared a complete bust when the Baker Park Bear "Barry", escaped and went to visit a children's' playground. However, the Frederick County Council states the bear is being retired due to other concerns.

"The bear refused to wear his COVID mask" stated County Council member Kai Hagen, "I tried publicly shaming the bear into wearing his mask, but it didn't make any difference. For that reason we must retire the bear from service."

The bear program was thought up by several Frederick County Council members who prioritize the environment above all other things, including the safety and wellbeing of the county's residents. The program was even endorsed by Sheriff Chuck Jenkins, who believed the bear's presence could deter crime.

"We really hoped the bear would deter crime, or at the very least deter that profanity sign guy from coming downtown, or that guy we created a secret politically-motivated dossier on." said a representative from the sheriff's office.

Any residents whose property was damaged by the bear are encouraged to contact the City of Frederick for reimbursement of repair expenses.

Barry the bear's career isn't quite over yet, though. He's going to become the new mascot for the Frederick Keys. Look for more on this soon!

No bears got their heads stuck in jars of honey while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, Hi Chuck.