Lost RACIST Confederate Treasure In Pangborn Park Lake?

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The real reason for draining and dredging Pangborn Park Lake may have been accidentally stumbled upon by a local twelve year old boy. "Timmy" who lives nearby, was walking past the lake when he noticed something shiny near the edge. Upon picking it up, the object turned out to be a gold coin from 1860. This confused local historians, as Pangborn Park lake was not built until the 1930's, so there's no way someone could have simply thrown the coin into the lake.

One historian had a theory that this may be part of the lost treasure from the ransom of Hagerstown in 1864. For those not familiar, in July of 1864 the RACIST Confederate Army demanded a ransom of $20,000 as well as 1,500 sets of clothing or they would burn the City of Hagerstown. With the aid of the Hagerstown Bank, the city was able to raise the ransom demand in coins and paper money, and prevent the burning of the town.

Local Community College to Require Course on How to be Offended

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the local Community College announced that beginning in Fall 2021, all incoming first year students will be required to attend "Social Studies 98-O How to be Offended". This new course is in response to some local residents failing to be offended by an alligator reference in Hagerstown City Park's wikipedia page.

"This important class will ensure that all students are properly indoctrinated to be offended at everything they disagree with, in accordance with our liberal education programs." stated a college representative. An adjunct faculty teacher in the Philosophy and History department has already volunteered to teach the class.

Local News, College Instructor, and Government Engage in Misinformation Campaign To Label Alligator as "Conspiracy"

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Despite photographic proof, as well as documentation from reputable sources (Wikipedia), the City of Hagerstown's Department of Parks and Recreation has conspired with an adjunct instructor at Hagerstown Community College and local news media to release a statement that the City Park Alligator is a Conspiracy Theory.

We at The Hagerstown Report are highly disappointed by this statement. Numerous times have we not only shown photographic evidence of the alligator's existence, including with former mayor and current city council member Bob Bruchey, but the city has even sponsored meet and greet events with our friendly neighborhood gator.

How remarkable is it, that less than a week after the inauguration of a new president that the media which previously intentionally did not cover the gator's existence is now set on demonizing those who believe in the gator? This revisionist history is going too far. What's next, will they tell us that the migratory lake dolphins are also a conspiracy theory? Or that our underground sister city Elizabethtown doesn't exist?

The truth of the matter is that newspapers are dying, and trust in the news media is at an all time low.

We expect better from our local government and local news media. As the article states, we "deserve better", and that includes more honest and in-depth reporting from local news media.

Want to help? Sign our petition to #SaveAlly and have the Hagerstown City Council acknowledge the alligator's existence.

On a more serious note, WTF ever happened to investigative journalism? A quick Google search leads to multiple articles about the Hagerstown Alligator which are clearly labeled as satire. Who knew that an alligator could somehow be linked to the incident at the Capitol? Wow. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

In New Safety Program, Maryland Legislators to get "Mild Shock" for Disagreeing With Majority Leader

ANNAPOLIS, MD - As our state legislators return to Annapolis this year, they will notice some changes to the Maryland State House and Senate floors. Each legislator will be assigned their own individual box, which has been built to not only protect from COVID-19, but also to ensure that all legislators remain in line with the wishes of the majority leader through the inclusion of an inductive power delivery system.

With the push of a button, the House or Senate leader will be able to punish dissenters and those who disagree with the majority, by delivering a mild electric shock no more powerful than sticking a fork in an electric socket.

Hagerstown Restaurants to Install Retractable Roofs to Bypass COVID Requirements

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Several downtown Hagerstown restaurants have found a creative way of getting around COVID restrictions. By installing retractable roofs over their dining area, what was once indoor dining can now be reclassified as outdoor dining.

"It turns out that being considered "indoors" vs "outdoors" is just a matter of if the roof is permanent. We don't actually even need to have the roof open to be considered outdoors - we just need to prove that the roof can be removed.

State officials are scrambling to figure out what can be done to prevent small businesses from using this loophole. "These restrictions were specifically designed to destroy small businesses, so that more people will rely on government aid. By bypassing these restrictions, they're endangering our future careers as politicians, and that's unacceptable." stated one member of Governor Hogan's staff and upcoming 2024 Hogan for President campaign advisor.

Unlike previous retractable roof systems, which involved many moving parts and were extremely expensive, the new improved retractable systems were inspired by the retractable roof installed on Heinz Field for the Pittsburg Steelers. This system features one large cover with only two hinges, and can be typically be built using common components from local hardware stores.

"We really hope this flushes away COVID" stated one local restaurant owner, "as we know that COVID becomes completely harmless once you're dining outdoors."

COVID restrictions are killing our small businesses and it's really shitty. The Hagerstown Report is satire.