Hagerstown City Council Proceeds with Plastic Straw Ban

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With a 4 to 1 vote, the City of Hagerstown has agreed to ban plastic straws, following suit with many other cities across the country. Starting September 31, 2018, all local businesses must replace plastic straws with biodegradable straws made out of solidified bovine fertilizer.

"Not only is this move environmentally friendly" stated a city representative, "but it will provide an excellent boost to our local cow farmers as their excess manure is processed into drinking straws."

In trial testing, consumers have been hesitant to switch to fertilizer straws. Many have complained that drinking liquids with the straws often results in an "off taste", or that the straws will dissolve too quickly in hot liquids. Others have expressed concerns about the health implications of using straws created from cow manure, but national health industry officials have stated that the effects are "very minimal" and only increases the chance of digestive tract issues by 15%.

The biodegradable straws do come at a cost however. Each straw will cost 50% more than its plastic equivalent. Local businesses will be forced to either absorb this cost, or raise prices to match the increased cost. The council discussed a potential price freeze for six months, but this idea was voted down 3 to 2.

Fortunately unlike many plastic straw bans in the country, this article is complete bovine manure. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Dinosaur Geneticist Nominated to head US Space Force

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the announcement by President Donald Trump regarding the formation of the US Space Force, the President has selected local Dinosaur Geneticist Brittany Wedd to head the new branch of the Armed Forces.

"We're going to make space great again!" exclaimed the president, as he signed the executive order exempting Wedd from military service in order to have her run the new branch. "We're going to do SCIENCE, only the best SCIENCE. And we're going to make Mars pay for it!".  Trump then said the word SCIENCE several more times, for emphasis.

When asked regarding Wedd's qualifications, Trump spoke highly of her ability to "science anything", and how "she does a lot of science, so she must know a lot of science, plus I hear she's really good at managing the social media for the local science museum."

Wedd has recently come under investigation regarding her role in the "Jurassic Parkgate", specifically the rumors that she has been cloning dinosaurs in her lab underneath the Discovery Station.

According to Wedd, her process involves splicing the genes of dinosaurs with the genes of Ally the Alligator from city park.  The resulting dinosaurs will only attack geese, and leave humans and other animals alone.

The first of her experimental dinosaurs, a T-Rex, was placed in city park earlier this year, after a brief incident regarding the New Years Eve do-nut drop. Wedd will continue her dinosaur cloning experiments until US Space Force is officially up and running.

No phallic shaped rockets were launched into space while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

City Asks Residents Not to Eat Pod Sculpture

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Amid the "Tide Pod" craze, the Hagerstown City Council has encountered an unusual problem - Tide Pod addicts attempting to eat the granite sculpture "Pod" in City Park, after a prankster keeps dying the sculpture orange and blue.

"Apparently someone thought it it would be funny to make the Pod look like a Tide Pod" said one of the city council members, "they're using water-soluble dye so it washes off without damaging the Pod, but after we clean it off someone sneaks back in that night and colors it all over again."

So far Hagerstown police have caught three people attempting to "take a bite" of the sculpture before the coloring is removed. The city warns that attempting to take a bite of the Pod could result in severe dental damage.

If you have any tips on who keeps changing the colors of Pod, please contact the City Park staff.

No sculptures changed colors while writing this article. The Hagerstown report is satire.