Underground Test of Hagerstown Nuclear Warhead Successful

Warhead leaving its production facility in Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - An underground test of a nuclear warhead produced in Hagerstown was conducted successfully today in an abandoned well near Dover, Delaware. This test resulted in a 4.1 magnitude earthquake rocking the region.

For the past fourteen months, scientists have been working around the clock at the old paper recycling plant across from Municipal Stadium, converting the paper recycling equipment into a large centrifuge capable of creating "yellow cake", the Uranium used in nuclear warheads. Today Hagerstown's first warhead was delivered to the USAF for testing, marking the first time Hagerstown has produced a weapon of war since the shutdown of Fairchild's A-10 Thunderbolt II production in 1984.

"This facility is is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!" exclaimed General Tarkin, responsible for overseeing the development and testing of the warhead.

The company producing the warheads, which is so top secret that The Hagerstown Report is prohibited from publishing the company name, has been contracted twelve additional warheads, with an optional contract year for eight more, should the United States go to war with North Korea.

Warshington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment on how this will affect relations with the recent free transfer of Fort Ritchie to North Korea, as they were too busy verifying the recent firing of Matt Lauer from NBC for inappropriate sexual behavior would not somehow lead back to their own misdeeds.

No Korean dictators blew their top while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Resident Negativity Accidentally Summons The Old God Ythar

Ythar rises above I-70 west of Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Ghostbusters tried to warn us about this. City Council member Emily Keller even wrote an article about it. But, it's too late. At exactly 9:34 am this morning, Ythar, God of Hatred, arose from his slumber beneath the site of the old power plant, fueled by the growing negativity of Hagerstown's residents.

"Iilth qi mah'shar fhn oorql Ythar!" filled the air over Hagerstown, which roughly translates to You will be the first of many to glimpse the madness of Ythar!"

Ythar is one of the "old ones", an ancient god from when the universe was still young. He laid dormant for millions of years below the site of the Hagerstown power plant.

A local scientist explains what summoned Ythar utilizing a Twinkie, "Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of negative energy in the Hagerstown area. Based on this morning's sample, it would be a Twinkie... thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds."

Most recently, Ythar stated the following as he hovered over Interstate 70, "The Black Empire once ruled this world, and it will do so again! Your pitiful kind will know only despair and sorrow for a hundred thousand millennia to come!"

The fact of the matter is, negativity in Hagerstown has reached an all-time high, and only a cleansing from the great Ythar will fix it.

I stare into the abyss, and the abyss stares back. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

City Hires Trained Monkeys to Replace Speed Cameras

One of the "speed monkeys" reviewing a photo of a speeding vehicle.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - At today's City Council meeting, it was announced that the current speed camera program will be phased out and replaced with specially trained primates.

"Research has shown that these trained primates are more accurate, more dependable, and cost less to maintain than the current leased camera system." stated a city official.

The primates being hired by the city have all undergone six months of intense training on estimating the speed of passing vehicles then taking their photographs. Motorists which fail to slow down will have their license plate photographed, as well as their vehicle "tagged" with monkey poo to encourage drivers to slow down immediately.

"We were really excited about the flinging monkey poo part," stated the official, "it really adds a new component to the program that is desperately needed. Before, it would take weeks until a motorist would know they were speeding. Now, motorists are encouraged to slow down immediately to clean off a large brown splatter from their windshield."

The city will start off with three monkeys who will each work for only the cost of food, water, and a small lakeside hut in Pangborn Park.

I'll be a monkey's uncle! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

WashCo Sheriff Announces Speed Cam High Score Page

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As the first of the new speed cameras come online across Washington County, so does a new feature of the WashCo Sheriff's Office website - Speed Cam High Scores. Each month, the top 10 speed cam violators will have their vehicle make and model featured on the county website, and be awarded with a $40 fine.

"We're embracing the gamer community to raise awareness of just how dangerously fast people go in this county" stated a representative of the Sheriff's Office. "Although in this case, instead of winning a prize, you win a fine for each offense."

The speed cameras in Washington County were turned on November 1, 2017, and currently feature two locations, with more locations to come. The High Score page is sponsored by Hagerstown Speedway.

"Residents should not drive excessively fast to make the high score list." stated the Sheriff's Office.

I feel the need, the need for speed (and a $40 fine). The Hagerstown Report is satire.