County Commissioners Approve Toll-Booth Wall Around Hagerstown to Reduce Crime

Artist's sketch of the "Great Wall of Hagerstown"

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a last ditch effort to control the growing crime problems in Washington County, today the County Commissioners voted unanimously to construct a wall around Hagerstown.

"This is our endgame. We're going to build a wall around Hagerstown, then setup speed-camera powered toll booths to charge anyone entering or leaving the city." stated one of the commissioners, "People won't be able to afford to leave, so crime in the rest of the county will go down."

Residents will be given a 30 day notice prior to the implementation of the toll booths, so that those who wish to permanently leave may do so.

Commissioners denied any preferential treatment when it was announced that the wall would be constructed by a Commissioner's construction company, and another Commissioner's electrical company providing wiring for the flood lights.

Construction of the wall is currently scheduled to begin November 31, 2017.

Local area school children will be asked to paint murals on the outside of the wall, in memory of the once great city.

Just think how much money the county is going to be making when they turn on the new speed cameras! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

South Hagerstown High School to Drop Rebels Team Name

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Long known for their "Rebels" team name, the South Hagerstown High School is about to get a new team name, thanks to political correctness.

"The Rebels lost the civil war, it's time we erase them from this history books!" claimed Principal Wilhuff Tarkin, "The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away forever!"

Some local residents were not happy about the announcement.

"I'm surprised he had the courage to take the responsibility himself." stated parent Leah Organa.

"We must keep our faith in the Republic. The day we stop believing democracy can work is the day we lose it." said local Jamillia Queen.

Principal Tarkin brushed aside the criticism, saying that the renaming of the team "is a statement, not a manifesto."

The SHHS Rebels will become the SHHS Imperials on September 31.

Now witness the power of this fully operational satire site! The Hagerstown Report is satire.