You Won't Believe Why They Should Rename Hagerstown's Wilson Blvd

Woodrow Wilson, Democrat Party Hero

HAGERSTOWN, MD - On the southern part of Hagerstown, connecting Alternate 40 and Route 11, is a well traveled road named Wilson Blvd, a road which desperately needs renamed.

For those not aware, Wilson Blvd. is actually named in honor of President Woodrow Wilson, with a monument at the eastern end of the road dedicated in his memory.

Most Hagerstown residents think of Food Lion (oops sorry, Shop and Save), Pro Pools, Life House Church, Minnich Funeral Home, and the Ag Center.

However, nestled in its Presidential roots is a much darker secret few think about.

Woodrow Wilson, a Democrat, was most likely the most racist president of the 20th Century, and was personally responsible for racial segregation, and the removal of racial integration into the civil service, and ultimately leaving behind a terrible legacy which has taken decades for the Democrat party to get people to forget about.

Now, we at the Hagerstown Report do not know the full story behind how Wilson Blvd. received its name. However, we do know that there is great irony in the fact that one of Hagerstown's divided roads is named after a president who supported racial segregation and division.

While statues and memorials nationwide are being taken down and schools being renamed from Confederate leaders, because they're considered racist, isn't it time that Hagerstown follows suit, and renames Wilson Blvd? In our opinion, this is a much more important topic than, for example, building a new walking trail, or adding red light cameras. Or does Wilson get a pass?

But what would we rename Wilson Blvd to?  The Hagerstown Report would love to hear from our readers their name suggestions!

Typically The Hagerstown Report is satire, but sadly this story is actually completely factual. Some sarcasm has been added for effect.

Hagerstown Walking Trail to Feature Million Dollar Harambe Statue

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today Hagerstown unveiled plans to include in the downtown city walking trail a three foot statue commemorating Harambe, the ape killed at Cincinnati Zoo.

"Harambe truly was an inspiration for us all" stated a city council member, "he was taken from us far too soon."  The city council member was arrested moments later for indecent exposure.

The statue was funded through Hagerstown speed camera funds, and is devoted to "teaching children peace". The overall cost of the statue is estimated at $1.2 million, part of which will be distributed as a kickback to each city council member who votes to approve the statue.

Some Hagerstown residents questioned if the statue was a good idea.

"We all know Harambe had incriminating evidence against Hillary Clinton and that's why he was killed. Will this put our small town in the crosshairs of Hillary's goons?" asked one resident who happened to be wearing a tinfoil beanie.

"Couldn't they have spent the money on something better? Like maybe some books to actually teach kids, instead of memorializing some ape?" asked another resident who was then beaten by an angry mob screaming "Harambe wasn't just an ape!"

As the statue has not been finalized, Hagerstown residents are encouraged to call city hall and weigh in their thoughts.

Please, no phallic displays at City Park. Nobody wants to see that. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Halloween Canceled Due to National Clown Epidemic

Washington, D.C. - Today President Obama announced that Halloween is canceled this year due to the large number of clown sightings across the country.

"I'm signing an executive order which prohibits trick or treat, costume parties, or the like." stated the President.

Citing public safety, the President signed today an unprecedented executive order affecting the celebration of a day which isn't even recognized as a Federal holiday.

There is, however, a silver lining. While Halloween may be canceled, United States residents can still get in their fill of horror and screams on November 8. You may even get to see a few clowns.

Trick, but the comments will be treats! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

You Won't Believe who The Hagerstown Report Endorses for President

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After much debate, The Hagerstown Report has decided to follow suit with several other news organizations across the globe and announce our endorsement for President of the United States.

We find ourselves faced with a decision of paramount proportions.

This candidate wants to unify not just the United States, but the entire world, for a single cause.

Unfortunately, our candidate is not without his flaws. Many feel this candidate wants too much power, or that the candidate is a warmonger who shall only bring us death and destruction. The Hagerstown Report rejects those statements, and feel that our candidate will do what is right for our country and the rest of the world.

That is why we at The Hagerstown Report officially endorse Cthulhu, the Great Old One, for President of the United States. When faced with a choice of two evils, why settle for the lesser evil?

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.