BREAKING: Donald Trump to Purchase Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Sources have confirmed that Donald Trump will be purchasing the City of Hagerstown on Sunday, April 24.

Mr. Trump will fly into the Rider Jet Center, and announce his purchase.

"We're going to make Hagerstown great again! First thing we're going to do is build a new baseball stadium, with my own money. Then we're going to level the entire Arts and Entertainment district, and replace it with a walking trail!"

Other improvements planned by Trump include the civil forfeiture of all property in Hagerstown through eminent domain, and the construction of several Trump casinos, as well as a wall to separate Hagerstown from the rest of Washington County.

Hagerstown officials were unavailable for comment.

Any local residents who wish to witness this historic purchase can register for tickets at Donald Trump's website.

No walking trails replaced functional buildings while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

City Approves Controversial Chinese "Equus Steakhouse" Franchise

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As part of the new sister-city arrangement with Xinjin, China, today the city council approved the controversial Chinese "Equus Steakhouse" franchise to open a restaurant downtown.

"Equus Steakhouse" is a popular restaurant chain in China, specializing in horse meat steaks.

"This is just one of the first steps in our new sister-city relationship with Xinjin, China" stated one of the council members. "The restaurant should create twenty part-time, minimum wage jobs, most of which will be staffed by illegal immigrants so they don't need to pay taxes on the employees."

China is currently the world's top producer of horse meat. In 2010, China produced 170 thousand metric tonnes of horse meat, most of which was designated for human consumption.

The USDA opened the door for horse meat processing in the United States in 2013 when it approved the slaughtering of horses for meat. Equus Steakhouse has applied for and received a special permit to sell cooked horse meat in its restaurant, and is the first international food chain to receive such a permit from the US government.

"If they're going to understand our culture, first we need to work to understand theirs." said the Mayor. "Dining is part of their culture as much as it is ours."

No horses were served on a platter while writing this article. Slaughtering horses for meat is not cool guys. The Hagerstown Report is satire.