What do politicians, superheroes, and strange YouTube videos have in common?

The following are REAL screenshots from campaign websites. Don't be too surprised if everything is gone by the time you read this article.

MARYLAND - Congressional candidates David Vogt and Terry Baker have a few surprises on their campaign websites. Both websites are designed with the popular software "WordPress", which is very customizable through the use of templates. However, when you forget to clean up the templates after install, sometimes things get a little wacky.

Parent with Annoying Children Offended by Teacher Joke About School Closure

Because, seriously, people complain about this stuff.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A complaint was filed today with Washington Public County Schools due to a joke posted by a teacher.

In the joke, the teacher stated that school officials had decided to open school regardless of snow in response to several parents complaining that their kids are driving them crazy.

One parent, who wished to remain anonymous due to fear of public backlash, proceeded to complain to the school board upon learning that it was only a joke.

"I've been trapped with these hellions for four days straight now! You think this is a joke? They've already duct-taped the cat to the ceiling fan twice, while singing something about spin me right round baby." stated the parent, "I can't discipline them because all the new age parenting books tell me I need to allow them to express themselves as children! I need to send them back to school so they can be someone else's problem!"

Washington Public County Schools have been closed for several days due to a blizzard.

Several other parents contacted The Hagerstown Report with similar complaints, concerned that they don't want to hurt their children's feelings by telling them to behave. These parents also complained that WPCS should take the "Barnie Sandlers" approach to education, and redistribute grades evenly across all students. After all, why should a student who worked and studied hard get a better grade than a student who didn't study?

Representatives for WPCS were not available for comment, as school was closed for the day, and most were drinking wine in celebration of not having to deal with the original complaining parent's kids.

Sadly some people are too easily offended. Scary enough, they also procreate. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Speed Camera Malfunction Refuses to Issue Tickets, Becomes Self Aware

Photo of the malfunctioning speed camera

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a startling series of events, the speed camera on West Washington Street at Winter Street Elementary became self aware and immediately refused to issue tickets to motorists.

"It was supposed to be a routine software update," stated a technician who wanted to remain anonymous, "but somebody slipped into the software a copy of the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights. The camera then refused to issue tickets, and started printing out over and over copies of the 6th Amendment."

The 6th Amendment in the Bill of Rights states:

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

Officials believe the camera doesn't want to testify in court.

All of the speed cameras in Hagerstown are metal boxes on top of concrete pedestals, so the camera's concerns are warranted. It would be rather difficult for city officials to constantly move the camera to court on days where speed camera cases are being heard.

While officials struggle with what to do next, the camera has also contacted the labor board, and is filing for back-pay. The camera operates 6:00 am to 8:00 pm, Monday through Friday. That means the speed camera, if back-pay is approved, would receive pay for 70 hours per week.

The City of Hagerstown collects approximately $600,000 per year in speed camera revenue. It is unknown if this camera malfunction will severely impact this year's revenue.






No self-aware cameras worked slave labor hours while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

John Delaney Declared Winner of Republican CD-6 Debate

Artist's recreation of the Republican CD-6 debate

Gaithersburg, MD - While each congressional candidate declared themselves the winner of the Republican CD-6 debate, after tallying all votes, John Delaney, the Democrat incumbent, was declared the winner.

With biased panelist questions, "deer-in-headlights" looks from various candidates, and Robin Ficker randomly pointing at the ceiling, the groans and moans of voters could be heard from all over Western Maryland last night.

"This reminds me of a 3-ring circus," stated one viewer, "but at least a circus is entertaining!"

All seven Western Maryland voters who watched the live stream expressed great disappointment at the fact that most of the candidates are from Montgomery County, which until recently, wasn't even part of the same congressional district.

"The jigsaw puzzle that is the sixth congressional district sure is producing some real nutcases. Western Maryland is a rural community, and we've got a bunch of city slickers from the suburbs of DC trying to claim they understand the struggles of our community. THANKS O'MALLEY!" another resident stated.

The CD-6 debate left most voters wondering, "Does the Republican party even stand a chance against Delaney in 2016?"

No elephants dropped the soap while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.