Cearfoss Solar Death Ray to Boost Local Economy

Artist's concept of the Cearfoss Solar Death Ray

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The construction of a solar death ray in the Cearfoss area of Hagerstown promises to vastly improve local tax income through defense spending.

The death ray, known as Archimedes II, is being constructed as part of Department of Homeland Security's "peacekeeper initiative", as a sequel to the Reagan era "Star Wars" program.

When asked about recent rumors that terrorist organizations recently obtained the blueprints for Archimedes II, a top ranking official stated "Any attack made by the terrorists against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they have obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!"

While some local residents are concerned over the possible impact on property values, being so close to a weapon of mass destruction, local officials assure county residents that building the Solar Death Ray is the right thing to do. "We're doing this with or without the support of the community. That's why they elected us after all. Never-mind the fact that one of the county commissioners owns the land, and is going to make a huge profit, this is for the good of the community we swear!"

The county commissioners, including commissioner Barr who owns the property which will be leased for the solar array, could not be reached for comment.

No birds or county commissioners were harmed by solar death rays while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Trick or Treat Cancelled to Keep From Offending Others

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Trick or Treat has been cancelled this year in Washington County, due to complaints that the event was "too offensive" for some residents.

A recent survey indicated that 1 out of every 150,000 Washington County residents are offended by Trick or Treat, resulting in the County Commissioners cancelling the event completely.

The final vote by the County Commissioners was 1 in favor, 0 opposed. The remaining County Commissioners either abstained from voting or were not present at the meeting.

According to one local resident who wished to remain anonymous, "I used to like Trick or Treat. But then people started dressing up as ghosts using bed sheets. I really think that makes them look like KKK members, so the whole thing should just be cancelled."

Other area residents weren't so thrilled about the event being cancelled.

"I've been trick or treating for 36 years! I've got the perfect costume too. I wear a white sheet with a cross on it, and tell people I'm actually two kids dressed up as the holy ghost! Most people just give me candy and laugh, but there's this one guy who always yells at me saying I'm a racist. I sure hope that's not why they cancelled Trick or Treat this year..."

The Washington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment.

No ghosts or ghouls were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

East Coast To Be Covered With Latex Rain Due to Potomac Chemical Spill

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Weather experts are warning that the impossible timing between Hurricane Joaquin and the recent chemical spill in the Potomac River of 10,000 gallons of latex may result in a "perfect storm" of events leading to the entire east coast becoming covered in latex.

The latex rain may occur as a result of the mixing of the spilled latex with a chemical called "dihydrogen monoxide".

"When the latex and dihydrogen monoxide mixed, it formed a milky white liquid which started travelling rapidly down the Potomac. As the milky white liquid encounters Joaquin, it may be sucked up, and Joaquin will then, due to excessive lower pressure, proceed to cover the entire east coast with that same milky white liquid." stated one weather expert.

The milky white liquid should be considered non-toxic, but residents are advised that prolonged exposure may result in certain side effects resembling morning sickness.

No weathermen were impregnated while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.