Migratory Lake Dolphins Return to Hagerstown City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After nearly a century, accompanied by the successful return of dolphins to the Potomac River thanks to cleaner waters, migratory lake dolphins have begun to swim up the Potomac's creeks and streams and return to local freshwater lakes. The first of the dolphins arrived this week during an unusual January warm spell.

The dolphins will take refuge near the warmer bottom of the lake during cold periods until spring.

"So far the alligator doesn't seem bothered by them" stated a City of Hagerstown official, "she is after all trained to only eat geese."

However, many of the other wildlife in City Park, including the resident ducks and geese, seemed agitated at the presence of their new amphibious mammal friends. Most of the animals are now proceeding to shallower parts of the park lake, where the dolphins can't swim.

In the spring, the City will host a "welcome home" event for the dolphins. The event, sponsored by Starkist, will give all attendees "mostly dolphin free" canned tuna as part of the celebration.

What's that girl? Timmy fell down the well? Whatever, you're a dolphin not a border collie. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Malicious A.I. Takes Over Frederick County Computer Systems

FREDERICK, MD - All they wanted to do was save the environment. However, due to a typo, Frederick County Government accidentally ordered "skynet" instead of the intended "sky nets" designed to stop illegal balloon releases in Frederick County. Upon installation of "skynet" artificial intelligence (AI) on their computer systems, all access has been locked out and the computer is now telling Frederick County how it wants to run things.

"We totally thought the hard disk we received in the mail was deployment instructions for the balloon net," stated a Frederick County employee who wished to remain anonymous, "but when we plugged it in, the computer completely freezes then starts talking to us!"

Frederick County officials are denying that anything has happened, and insist that everything is fine.  However, insiders in the Frederick County Government have informed us that the computer program is taking over the county, and even going so far as to write new legislation and sending to the County Council demanding that they implement it.

"Apparently when we ordered sky nets to protect the environment, someone accidentally typed skynet instead.  So now we've got this crazy computer program telling us what legislation to enact," said the inside source.

So far the computer program has demanded that the County Council enact the following legislation:

• Ban on single-use plastic straws
• Mandatory recycling of lightly soiled toilet paper (instead of flushing)
• $0.25 tax on single use plastic bags in grocery stores
• Complete ban on county farms used for any meat products
• Complete ban on the sale and consumption of meat products within the county
• Replacement of all county power with solar, wind, and hydroelectric by 2022
• Immediately erecting a 25-foot tall statue of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Market Street

It is unknown if the County Council intends to meet the demands of the AI program, but Kai Hagen has already given the program his unwavering seal of approval.

Recycling lightly soiled toilet paper would be a pretty crappy situation. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

City Park to host First Annual Turkey Drop this Weekend

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Twenty lucky families will walk away from Hagerstown City Park this Sunday with a free turkey. All they have to do is catch it as it flies out of a helicopter.

A chartered helicopter will make four trips between City Park and Hagerstown Airport. On each trip, five live turkeys will be released out the side of the helicopter. The turkeys will then fly down to the park below, and the first families to catch them get to take the turkey home for Thanksgiving dinner!

All twenty turkeys are farm raised here in Washington County, with no hormones and eating a GMO free, gluten free, organic vegan diet.

The Turkey Drop will begin at noon this Sunday, and last until all twenty turkeys have been caught.

Residents are asked not to allow children under 12 to participate, as they could be injured by the flying turkey.

As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly! We miss WKRP. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Waynesboro School D&D Club Rejected Because of Critical Fail on Intelligence Check by Board Members

Waynesboro, PA - Citing the unrealistic, dramatized TV depiction of a "Dungeons & Dragons" game the Waynesboro Area School Board has voted six to three to reject a D&D club for Waynesboro Middle. The members who voted against the club unfortunately did so because of rolling a "one" on their intelligence check.

"The game involves language skills, math, probability, and creativity. We don't want our students to learn those things in a non-state-approved format which isn't boring." stated a representative for the board.

Unfortunately, because the board members have never taken the time to play D&D outside of their dull, boring everyday lives, they had to rely on depictions of the game from the TV show "Stranger Things", as well as antiquated urban legends that playing D&D somehow makes you want to commit suicide.

The three members who voted for the D&D club unfortunately did not roll high enough to overcome the rest of the board's usage of the "Dumb Luck" feat, in which the board simply avoids meaningful conversations about topics they don't understand, and yet are lucky enough that it's not close enough to an election year for their lack of informed opinions to actually matter.

The same night the board was also asked to approve a Math club. The board has decided to postpone that vote, as they apparently don't understand what math is either, or what its purpose is in a learning environment. Miraculously, they managed to accurately count the votes to adjourn the meeting.

Please post dice shaming pictures to our Facebook wall. This article is mostly satire, but WASD actually rejected the D&D club because they have no idea what D&D is.

Thurmont Finds Loophole to Operate Speed Cameras 24/7

THURMONT, MD - The town of Thurmont has found a way to operate its speed cameras 24/7, instead of only weekdays during school hours as other jurisdictions currently do.

After reviewing Maryland law, the town council found that the time restrictions only apply to automated speed enforcement cameras in school zones. As such, Thurmont has invested in a hybrid model in which speed cameras are manually operated during off-hours.

Each speed camera has been equipped with a periscope inside a small underground bunker. During off hours, the cameras will be manned by retired Navy submarine commanders, who are used to operating inside of tight dark spaces.

"This program will not only increase our speed camera revenue by 300%, but provides an employment path for retired Navy submarine commanders to put their skills to use." stated a council member.

To make the work environment more comfortable, the access personholes will resemble the same hatches used by the Navy in their submarines. The workspace itself will be almost completely dark, and a speaker system has been installed to generate a low hum to simulate the vibrations from a sub under way.

Old Navy submarine joke: 100 sailors go down, 50 couples come back up. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

County Commissioners Donate New Mural to Cultural Trail

HAGERSTOWN, MD - At today's County Commissioner meeting, the commissioners were happy to announce Washington County's newest contribution to the Hagerstown Cultural Trail - a large mural of former President Bill Clinton.

The mural has been painted partially over "The Mural of Unusual Size" after numerous complaints from residents that the abstract art is an eye-sore.

"This mural is being donated to the City of Hagerstown by Washington County in honor of our successful trips to South Korea" stated a county representative.

The official unveiling ceremony will take place on Friday, August 16, and covered by Fox 5 news.

Nothing was spilled on a blue dress while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Frederick Embraces Crusades as Part of New Logo Design

FREDERICK, MD - The City of Frederick has unveiled its new logo, embracing the historic ancestors who first settled in Frederick after their long fought campaigns to reclaim the Holy Land from Muslims. The new logo, at a price tag of $45,000, not only represents a Crusader's cross, but each part of the logo represents different milestones in the city's history, and future.

First, the overall shape of the logo is meant to have multiple meanings. Not only does the logo represent a Crusader cross, but it also resembles the letter "F".  Designers were quick to point out, this "F" does not actually stand for Frederick, but actually is intended to represent pressing the letter F to pay respects to those who fell during the holy war, and those who will fall in the holy wars to come.

Each part of the logo represents an important aspect of Frederick.

To the left, a red duck head. This duck head symbolizes the ducks in Baker Park, and the upcoming war against them to control their population (much like Hagerstown has continued to struggle with overpopulation of geese in City Park).

To the bottom, a green sickle, representing the climate change crisis, and how all of Frederick needs to reap what they sow, helping offset climate change by paying an upcoming carbon tax. This carbon tax will not actually go towards any efforts to fix the climate change crisis, but will be used to provide much needed pay raises to the City Council.

To the top, a blue spike, symbolizing the blue skies of Frederick's upcoming war to re-take the Holy Land.

In the center, a yellow square.Yellow is the color of sunshine and hope, and with Frederick at the center of the next Holy War, it shall be a shining symbol of the war to expand Israel's borders.

Finally, to the right, an arrow pointing to the East. This arrow signifies how Frederick shall lead the charge into the middle-east, and liberate its oil reserves.

Frederick's launching of the next Crusade is currently scheduled for July 4, 2020. President Trump will be in attendance as a caravan of portable missile launchers, tanks, planes, and even an aircraft carrier named the U.S.S. Ivanka on a flatbed truck will be paraded down I-270 to Washington DC. Please note that the Crusade may potentially be delayed due to traffic jams.

No terrible video game design decisions were made while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.