Maryland Saves Up To Two Marine Animals Per Year with Balloon Release Ban

Every year 314 million kg of plastic waste ends up in the ocean. This has the devastating effect of killing over 100,000 marine animals every year, and balloons are responsible for 5% of sea turtle deaths. The United States is responsible for 703,000 kg of this plastic waste. Balloon fragments account for approximately 2% of this waste.

Assuming that Maryland's fair share of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportional to the state's population (6 million) compared to the rest of the country (330 million), this means Maryland is responsible for 1.8% of the 703,000 kg of plastic waste, or 12,654 kg. Assuming that every balloon released in the State of Maryland is intentional, by banning balloon releases, the State of Maryland has reduced the plastic waste per year by 2%, which comes out to 253 kg less plastic waste in the ocean, per year.

That means instead of 314,000,000 kg of plastic waste in the ocean per year, we now have 313,999,747 kg. That's a reduction of 0.00002%! Assuming that the amount of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportionate to the number of marine animal deaths, this means through the State of Maryland's action they have saved up to two marine animals per year. Of course, this assumes that all of the balloon releases in the state have been intentional, so any accidental balloon releases may reduce the impact, and possibly negate any benefit whatsoever.

We at the Hagerstown Report applaud the State of Maryland for focusing on such important issues, and rescuing those two innocent marine animals per year by banning intentional balloon releases, which is undoubtedly one of the most important issues of our time.

Your virtue signals have not gone unnoticed.

While this article may contain some high doses of sarcasm, the calculations are not satire.

Norm Macdonald - Thank You for the Updates

Very rarely do we at The Hagerstown Report write about factual topics. Even more rarely do we write about factual topics which are not humorous. With that said, we needed to write this article about Norm Macdonald's passing, and what a positive influence he has been on us.

No doubt you have probably seen Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" for which Norm was the anchor for three years.

Norm's ability to act as a serious news anchor while reading absolutely off-the-wall stories was extremely influential in our written and video satire segments.

One of the most important aspects of Norm's sense of humor and comedy was his refusal to "fall in line" and succumb to social pressure. He had no problem calling out both sides of the political spectrum when they did something stupid. Because of this, his last appearance on "The Tonight Show" was cancelled in 2018.

Thank you Norm, for all the laughs, and inspiration. The Hagerstown Report would likely not exist without you and your own personal style of comedy. We know you're up there somewhere right now, laughing in eternity with many of the comedy greats.

Norm Macdonald passed from Leukemia at the age of 61. We encourage our readers to contribute to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in his honor.

The Hagerstown Report is satire, but this article was 100% written from the heart by its editor.

Image credit Greg2600 CC-BY-SA-2.0

Fact Check: USA Today and CNN are clickbait sites pretending to be factual news

CNN faked a protest photo in an article in 2016

The claim: USA Today and CNN are unbiased factual news sites

For some reason, despite sharing articles worthy of supermarket tabloids, or faking a protest photo to get higher article views, people continue to believe that USA Today and CNN are real news sites.

Sure, CNN has been busted several times for completely fake news coverage, and USA Today is buying up all the local newspapers across the country in an effort to generate more revenue through clickbait and profiting off tasteless minute-by-minute coverage of dead celebrities.

But after all of these years of consistently being fooled by USA Today and CNN, surely they'd be required to put some sort of disclaimer on their sites if they're not reporting factual news, right?

Newspapers and Cable News aren't required to tell the truth

News media in fact is under no obligation to present the truth when reporting news, and in fact intentionally misleads viewers/readers to get better viewership, leading to higher paying sponsors.

In fact, the news organizations only need to prevent from committing libel or slander directed towards a person or organization, and they're absolutely within the confines of the law.

In fact, the FCC has even made clear that they will only step in if the fake news is going to cause "immediate harm". Otherwise, they're powerless to force news organizations to tell the truth.

Sadly, you had to learn this from a satire site

We often joke that we're more honest than CNN or other major news outlets. This is in fact true. Unlike major news outlets, we actually tell you when our articles are satire (which is 99% of the time). Ironically, CNN has even confirmed that 75% of Americans can't identify fake news (which is probably why CNN takes advantage of this).

And by the way, all of the major news outlets fake news. They only apologize when they're actually caught.

Our Rating: False - USA Today and CNN are not factual news sites

Unlike most of our articles, this one is actually not satire.

Sharpsburg Council Approves Ordinance to Rename Town to Sharpsburgh

Sharpsburg, MD - Through a unanimous vote, the Sharpsburg town council has approved an ordinance to rename the town to its traditional spelling "Sharpsburgh". This debate was the result of questions raised regarding the legitimacy of the town museum's usage of the name "Sharpsburgh".

"It really came down to which Facebook page had the most likes at the time," said a town council representative, "and somehow overnight before the meeting the likes for the Sharpsburgh Museum exceeded the likes for the Town of Sharpsburg itself."

The town manager was unable to explain how the likes for "Sharpsburgh Museum" suddenly skyrocketed overnight, but the promised that there was not foul play involved. "This was the most secure and trustworthy counting of Facebook page likes ever. There may have been talk four years ago of Facebook likes being an unsecure method of determining which town name was preferred, but we promise you there's no way it could have been manipulated now, even though we did nothing to correct the problem."

Supporters of "Sharpsburg" questioned the official narrative of "Sharpsburgh" supporters.

"If you look at the like counting, both Sharpsburg and Sharpsburgh received over 1.5 million likes. There aren't that many people living in town, something is seriously wrong here!" said one concerned citizen.

Most of the controversy arises over a sudden spike in likes for Sharpsburgh overnight shortly before the council meeting. Sharpsburgh supporters swear unequivocally that the likes are legitimate, even though Sharpsburg supporters were prevented from observing counting of the likes.

Meanwhile, "Sharpesburg" supporters continue to cry foul, claiming they were excluded from the process. "Just because the Sharpesburg Facebook page only has five likes, doesn't mean our voices don't matter. There is no difference between Sharpsburg and Sharpsburgh. Only Sharpesburg is the true original name of the town."

The new name goes into effect on September 31, 2021.

No surfers were caught by the massive wave of political bullshit we've witnessed these past couple years. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Frederick Council Passes Trial by Combat Ordinance

FREDERICK, MD - Today the Frederick County Council passed through a unanimous vote an ordinance allowing arrestees for certain offenses by Frederick County Sheriff's Office to request a trial by combat against the county's appointed champion.

The ordinance was recommended and endorsed by Frederick County Sheriff's Office, as a method of expediently processing certain minor crimes without the cost of a full trial.

"Finally we can quickly provide the justice Frederick County deserves for some of these dangerous criminals" stated a representative from the Sheriff's Office.

Eligible crimes for trial by combat include:

• Publicly criticizing elected officials including the County Executive or Judges
• Displaying offensive signs in public view
• Release of balloons by anyone 12 years of age or older

Trial by combat will only be invoked after extensive research by the Frederick County Sheriff's Office to determine if your crimes are innocent mistakes or the result of thoughtcrime. Followers of The Hagerstown Report will instantly qualify.

Those selected for trial by combat will have their choice of utilizing dueling pistols, rapiers, or hand-to-hand combat.

In related news, the Frederick County Sheriff's Office has announced that it is training its appointed champion, the Barry the Frederick Bear, to ensure swift justice is delivered. "It will be interesting training the bear to use a flintlock pistol," stated a representative from the Sheriff's Office, "but I'm confident we can get it done. We do have a right to bear arms in this country after all."

If Harambe were still alive, he would be my champion. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, hi Chuck.

Hagerstown to Include Pride Ribbon for Out-of-town Speed Cam Tickets in June

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As part of an ongoing effort to increase tourism to Hagerstown and Washington County, the City of Hagerstown will be mailing out free Pride ribbons with out-of-town speed camera tickets during the month of June.

"We're extremely excited to leverage speed camera tickets as a means of advertising the great things our city is doing!" said a representative from Hagerstown.

Costing only $50 for each ribbon mailed out, once the recipient pays their speeding ticket the net cost of the ribbons is only $10. Fortunately 50% of that cost is covered through a state tourism grant, bringing the final cost to only $5 per ribbon.

When asked about the idea behind this new campaign, a representative from the City of Hagerstown stated that "the real inspiration was all of the corporations who change their logos to rainbows during June. We thought we're already contacting these out-of-town visitors to get them to pay a speed camera fine, why not give them motivation to come back by giving them free stuff? If they come back and get another speed cam ticket, we'll even send them another ribbon to share with family and friends!"

Some local residents were disappointed in the program. "Where's my free ribbon?" asked one resident, "I don't own a car, but if the city is giving out free stuff I want one too!"

No crazy tourism programs were implemented while writing this article. At least, we hope not. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Frederick Bear Not As Successful as Hagerstown Alligator

FREDERICK, MD - Frederick County and the City of Frederick, using the Hagerstown City Park Alligator as a model for its program, recently implemented a similar geese population control program using a former circus bear. Unfortunately, the bear program was not as successful as Hagerstown's alligator program.

The program was declared a complete bust when the Baker Park Bear "Barry", escaped and went to visit a children's' playground. However, the Frederick County Council states the bear is being retired due to other concerns.

"The bear refused to wear his COVID mask" stated County Council member Kai Hagen, "I tried publicly shaming the bear into wearing his mask, but it didn't make any difference. For that reason we must retire the bear from service."

The bear program was thought up by several Frederick County Council members who prioritize the environment above all other things, including the safety and wellbeing of the county's residents. The program was even endorsed by Sheriff Chuck Jenkins, who believed the bear's presence could deter crime.

"We really hoped the bear would deter crime, or at the very least deter that profanity sign guy from coming downtown, or that guy we created a secret politically-motivated dossier on." said a representative from the sheriff's office.

Any residents whose property was damaged by the bear are encouraged to contact the City of Frederick for reimbursement of repair expenses.

Barry the bear's career isn't quite over yet, though. He's going to become the new mascot for the Frederick Keys. Look for more on this soon!

No bears got their heads stuck in jars of honey while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, Hi Chuck.