Underground Test of Hagerstown Nuclear Warhead Successful

Warhead leaving its production facility in Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - An underground test of a nuclear warhead produced in Hagerstown was conducted successfully today in an abandoned well near Dover, Delaware. This test resulted in a 4.1 magnitude earthquake rocking the region.

For the past fourteen months, scientists have been working around the clock at the old paper recycling plant across from Municipal Stadium, converting the paper recycling equipment into a large centrifuge capable of creating "yellow cake", the Uranium used in nuclear warheads. Today Hagerstown's first warhead was delivered to the USAF for testing, marking the first time Hagerstown has produced a weapon of war since the shutdown of Fairchild's A-10 Thunderbolt II production in 1984.

"This facility is is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!" exclaimed General Tarkin, responsible for overseeing the development and testing of the warhead.

The company producing the warheads, which is so top secret that The Hagerstown Report is prohibited from publishing the company name, has been contracted twelve additional warheads, with an optional contract year for eight more, should the United States go to war with North Korea.

Warshington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment on how this will affect relations with the recent free transfer of Fort Ritchie to North Korea, as they were too busy verifying the recent firing of Matt Lauer from NBC for inappropriate sexual behavior would not somehow lead back to their own misdeeds.

No Korean dictators blew their top while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.