City Hires Trained Monkeys to Replace Speed Cameras

One of the "speed monkeys" reviewing a photo of a speeding vehicle.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - At today's City Council meeting, it was announced that the current speed camera program will be phased out and replaced with specially trained primates.

"Research has shown that these trained primates are more accurate, more dependable, and cost less to maintain than the current leased camera system." stated a city official.

The primates being hired by the city have all undergone six months of intense training on estimating the speed of passing vehicles then taking their photographs. Motorists which fail to slow down will have their license plate photographed, as well as their vehicle "tagged" with monkey poo to encourage drivers to slow down immediately.

"We were really excited about the flinging monkey poo part," stated the official, "it really adds a new component to the program that is desperately needed. Before, it would take weeks until a motorist would know they were speeding. Now, motorists are encouraged to slow down immediately to clean off a large brown splatter from their windshield."

The city will start off with three monkeys who will each work for only the cost of food, water, and a small lakeside hut in Pangborn Park.

I'll be a monkey's uncle! The Hagerstown Report is satire.