Underground Test of Hagerstown Nuclear Warhead Successful

Warhead leaving its production facility in Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - An underground test of a nuclear warhead produced in Hagerstown was conducted successfully today in an abandoned well near Dover, Delaware. This test resulted in a 4.1 magnitude earthquake rocking the region.

For the past fourteen months, scientists have been working around the clock at the old paper recycling plant across from Municipal Stadium, converting the paper recycling equipment into a large centrifuge capable of creating "yellow cake", the Uranium used in nuclear warheads. Today Hagerstown's first warhead was delivered to the USAF for testing, marking the first time Hagerstown has produced a weapon of war since the shutdown of Fairchild's A-10 Thunderbolt II production in 1984.

"This facility is is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!" exclaimed General Tarkin, responsible for overseeing the development and testing of the warhead.

The company producing the warheads, which is so top secret that The Hagerstown Report is prohibited from publishing the company name, has been contracted twelve additional warheads, with an optional contract year for eight more, should the United States go to war with North Korea.

Warshington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment on how this will affect relations with the recent free transfer of Fort Ritchie to North Korea, as they were too busy verifying the recent firing of Matt Lauer from NBC for inappropriate sexual behavior would not somehow lead back to their own misdeeds.

No Korean dictators blew their top while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

WashCo Commissioners Announce Escort Worker Positions

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In wake of recent shakeups due to multiple simultaneous scandals, including sexual harassment and ethics violations, the Washington County Commissioners have announced several job openings for executive assistants. Applicants must be female, under 30, with petite build.

Job duties include taking overseas trips with County Commissioners, providing them emotional support and companionship.

"We feel this is the best solution possible, so that commissioners can restrain themselves from harassing other employees." stated a county official.

No experience is necessary for these positions, but applicants with experience in the adult film industry or escort service industry will be given priority consideration.

Candidates will be screened through an in-person interview in which they will be placed in several compromising positions, then asked a series of questions to ensure they can remain silent about what happened.

All selected employees will be compensated "under the table".

To apply, please come to the Washington County Job Fair held at Mitzi's Strip Club this Friday in Funkstown.

Should there be a sequel to "Debbie Does Dallas" called "Debbie Does Washington County Government"? The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Commissioners Approve Rename to Warshington County

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the County Commissioners approved a unanimous resolution to rename Washington County to Warshington County.

"It's about branding consistency" stated a county representative.

Some companies and consumers had become confused as to where Washington County was, due to the fact that there are multiple Washington Counties across the country, and many local residents pronounce the county name as "Warshington".

Now Wasrshington County can stand out among the other counties, with very little effort required in the rebranding effort.

"After all, many local residents say the name with an R in it anyway, so why not help be consistent."

The name change prompted applause from our county's neighbors to the east. "Fredrick County applauds Warshington County in following suit with our recent name modernization. Many of our residents pronounce our county without the extra E in Frederick, so it only makes sense for Warshington County to make a similar change."

No English teachers were harmed while writing this article, though some may have difficulty reading it. The Hagerstown Report is satire.