Resident Negativity Accidentally Summons The Old God Ythar

Ythar rises above I-70 west of Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Ghostbusters tried to warn us about this. City Council member Emily Keller even wrote an article about it. But, it's too late. At exactly 9:34 am this morning, Ythar, God of Hatred, arose from his slumber beneath the site of the old power plant, fueled by the growing negativity of Hagerstown's residents.

"Iilth qi mah'shar fhn oorql Ythar!" filled the air over Hagerstown, which roughly translates to You will be the first of many to glimpse the madness of Ythar!"

Ythar is one of the "old ones", an ancient god from when the universe was still young. He laid dormant for millions of years below the site of the Hagerstown power plant.

A local scientist explains what summoned Ythar utilizing a Twinkie, "Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of negative energy in the Hagerstown area. Based on this morning's sample, it would be a Twinkie... thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds."

Most recently, Ythar stated the following as he hovered over Interstate 70, "The Black Empire once ruled this world, and it will do so again! Your pitiful kind will know only despair and sorrow for a hundred thousand millennia to come!"

The fact of the matter is, negativity in Hagerstown has reached an all-time high, and only a cleansing from the great Ythar will fix it.

I stare into the abyss, and the abyss stares back. The Hagerstown Report is satire.