ADL Classifies "Let's Go Brandon" As Hate Symbol

In response to conservatives refusing to accept that recent NASCAR fans were chanting "Let's Go Brandon" after Brandon Brown's recent win, and the fact that conservatives are now using the phrase "Let's Go Brandon" to mock the reporter, the Anti-Defamation League has classified the phrase as a dogwhistle hate symbol.

"This will make the message clear, that mocking reporters and other oppressed careers, is completely unacceptable in 2021." stated a representative from the ADL.

The ADL recognizes over 200 hate symbols and continues to expand its list, including Pepe the Frog, the logo for Coors Beer, and the "Okay" hand gesture.

We at the Hagerstown Report applaud this stunning and brave addition to the Hate Symbol list, and encourage our readers to report their usage to the Internet Police.

The Hagerstown Report is not classified as a hate symbol. Not yet anyways.  This article is satire/parody.

Maryland Saves Up To Two Marine Animals Per Year with Balloon Release Ban

Every year 314 million kg of plastic waste ends up in the ocean. This has the devastating effect of killing over 100,000 marine animals every year, and balloons are responsible for 5% of sea turtle deaths. The United States is responsible for 703,000 kg of this plastic waste. Balloon fragments account for approximately 2% of this waste.

Assuming that Maryland's fair share of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportional to the state's population (6 million) compared to the rest of the country (330 million), this means Maryland is responsible for 1.8% of the 703,000 kg of plastic waste, or 12,654 kg. Assuming that every balloon released in the State of Maryland is intentional, by banning balloon releases, the State of Maryland has reduced the plastic waste per year by 2%, which comes out to 253 kg less plastic waste in the ocean, per year.

That means instead of 314,000,000 kg of plastic waste in the ocean per year, we now have 313,999,747 kg. That's a reduction of 0.00002%! Assuming that the amount of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportionate to the number of marine animal deaths, this means through the State of Maryland's action they have saved up to two marine animals per year. Of course, this assumes that all of the balloon releases in the state have been intentional, so any accidental balloon releases may reduce the impact, and possibly negate any benefit whatsoever.

We at the Hagerstown Report applaud the State of Maryland for focusing on such important issues, and rescuing those two innocent marine animals per year by banning intentional balloon releases, which is undoubtedly one of the most important issues of our time.

Your virtue signals have not gone unnoticed.

While this article may contain some high doses of sarcasm, the calculations are not satire.