Park Lake, Local Pools May Turn Blood Red Due to Sahara Dust Cloud

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Hagerstown City Park lake as well as local pools may turn blood red due to the approaching Sahara Dust Cloud. Residents should not be alarmed, as the water will still be safe.

The dust cloud, made mostly of ferrous and sand material, traveled across the Atlantic ocean and is expected to enter the jetstream this weekend, and arrive in the Hagerstown area between Wednesday and Friday. Heavier ferrous material will be deposited within local waterways, and begin to rust. Normally for most waterways, the ferrous material will be carried away to the bay and eventually ocean, dispersing before they can start to accumulate noticeable discoloration.

Photo of City Park after the 1972 Sahara Dust Storm

The last time this occurred was in 1972 when a major drought in the Sahara desert resulted in turning the city park lake a bright red for approximately 45 minutes. Afterwards, the ferrous material started to dissipate and the lake returned to its normal color.

Residents are encouraged to take photos should this phenomenon occur, and not panic. The change in color is natural, and has nothing to do with recent violence in the city. The red color will be rust, not blood, and has nothing to do with the statistic that in 2019 that 6.44 out of 1,000 residents were a victim of violent crime, which is higher than the national average of 4 out of 1,000, and is only safer than 11% of all cities in the United States.

If you'd like to witness this phenomenon firsthand, the city park lake is expected to turn red on Friday July 3 at 4:52 pm, give or take twenty minutes. If you capture a photo of this amazing natural wonder, please post it to our Facebook!

Sadly the only real part of this article are the crime statistics. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sharpsburg Slave Block to be Replaced with Abstract Peace Monument

Sharpsburg, MD - After the vandalizing of the historic marker for the Sharpsburg slave block, town officials have taken the opportunity to begin working to replace the marker with a peace monument.

The new monument will be similar to the "Pod" in Hagerstown City Park, in that it will be an abstract work of art meant to represent whatever the viewer sees using their imagination, but more importantly, an ever-lasting symbol of peace in our great, liberal nation inclusive of people from all walks of life.

As you can see from the above rendering of the proposed monument, this monument will be much larger than the original slave block marker. A plaque (not pictured) will also be featured to explain the concept behind the monument, and how important it is to rewrite history by removing monuments we feel someone might be offended by.

"Even if no-one has complained, even if it's of historical significance, we must remove elements from our society which may make others uncomfortable and turn our country into a nationwide safe space, including the complete repeal of the second amendment." stated the artist while being protected by several armed guards.

Unveiling of the new monument will take place on July 4, 2020. Due to social distancing requirements, residents may not attend the ceremony unless attending as part of a protest against racial injustice, since COVID-19 does not infect attendees of such protests, and only infects protests to reopen the state.

"The town council absolutely denies any remarks that the peace monument is "phallic" in nature, and anyone claiming such is clearly a troublemaker just trying to deny the town of this important peace monument." stated one of the council members.

In lieu of attending the donating to the construction of this new monument, the Sharpsburg town council urges all residents to contribute to the Joe Biden for President 2020 campaign fund.

No phallic shaped monuments have been added to Sharpsburg or the battlefield. Yet. The Hagerstown Report is satire.