Frederick Embraces Crusades as Part of New Logo Design

FREDERICK, MD - The City of Frederick has unveiled its new logo, embracing the historic ancestors who first settled in Frederick after their long fought campaigns to reclaim the Holy Land from Muslims. The new logo, at a price tag of $45,000, not only represents a Crusader's cross, but each part of the logo represents different milestones in the city's history, and future.

First, the overall shape of the logo is meant to have multiple meanings. Not only does the logo represent a Crusader cross, but it also resembles the letter "F".  Designers were quick to point out, this "F" does not actually stand for Frederick, but actually is intended to represent pressing the letter F to pay respects to those who fell during the holy war, and those who will fall in the holy wars to come.

Each part of the logo represents an important aspect of Frederick.

To the left, a red duck head. This duck head symbolizes the ducks in Baker Park, and the upcoming war against them to control their population (much like Hagerstown has continued to struggle with overpopulation of geese in City Park).

To the bottom, a green sickle, representing the climate change crisis, and how all of Frederick needs to reap what they sow, helping offset climate change by paying an upcoming carbon tax. This carbon tax will not actually go towards any efforts to fix the climate change crisis, but will be used to provide much needed pay raises to the City Council.

To the top, a blue spike, symbolizing the blue skies of Frederick's upcoming war to re-take the Holy Land.

In the center, a yellow square.Yellow is the color of sunshine and hope, and with Frederick at the center of the next Holy War, it shall be a shining symbol of the war to expand Israel's borders.

Finally, to the right, an arrow pointing to the East. This arrow signifies how Frederick shall lead the charge into the middle-east, and liberate its oil reserves.

Frederick's launching of the next Crusade is currently scheduled for July 4, 2020. President Trump will be in attendance as a caravan of portable missile launchers, tanks, planes, and even an aircraft carrier named the U.S.S. Ivanka on a flatbed truck will be paraded down I-270 to Washington DC. Please note that the Crusade may potentially be delayed due to traffic jams.

No terrible video game design decisions were made while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sharpsburg Covers Fire Hydrants to Reduce Climate Change

Sharpsburg, MD - Inspired by the recent actions of Frederick County government regarding the climate change crisis, the Town of Sharpsburg has covered all fire hydrants in the town with black plastic bags. These plastic bags are all part of a plan to help lower the Earth's temperature, and fight the climate change crisis.

At first residents were rather confused why the town was covering up all of their fire hydrants. After all, the town's water is working fine, why wouldn't the fire department be able to use the hydrants? However, once learning the truth about why the town is covering the hydrants with black plastic, residents have overwhelmingly supported the move.

"Feedback has been extremely positive," stated a city council member, "through these small steps we have reduced Sharpsburg's carbon footprint by 0.0002 %. Well worth it, when you consider the cost for the materials and installation was only $540,320."

The climate change reduction works through an aquatic heat transfer process. The black plastic heats the fire hydrant, pulling heat away from the nearby air. This heat is then transferred into the water main, where it is safely dissipated underground. "We're heating the ground, not the air, and that's much better for the environment" stated the scientist who sold the idea to the town.

Sharpsburg residents are encouraged to take additional steps to help reduce their carbon footprint and reduce climate change. Steps recommended by the Sharpsburg city council include only bathing once per week, turning your computer monitor brightness down to reduce electricity consumption, and saving pet waste to burn as fuel during the winter months.

"By working together and take small steps, we can help fight the climate change crisis, just like Frederick County!" stated a town representative.

We at The Hagerstown Report applaud the Town of Sharpsburg for their steps towards reducing climate change, and hope other municipalities in Washington County will voluntarily follow suit.

Did you know that in Centralia, while the coal mine was burning underneath, residents were able to use freshly drawn well water to make coffee without having to boil it? That's hot. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Governor Hogan Announces Pennsylvania Invasion Plan

HAGERSTOWN, MD - While on an emergency trip to Hagerstown, Governor Hogan announced that today he has authorized $1.2 billion in funding to begin the mobilization of the Maryland National Guard to liberate Pennsylvania from the state "salami tax". This announcement is in direct response to the Lancaster pepperoni smuggling which was recently reported on by People of Lancaster.

"We will not sit idly by while Pennsylvania holds hostage a Hagerstown, MD resident who was only seeking to liberate Pennsylvania residents from excessive taxation. Not only will we rescue this fine upstanding Hagerstown resident, but we'll begin a liberation campaign to free Pennsylvania from this heinous tax upon processed meat products." stated the Governor.

Since the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania has already fortified its southern border near Lancaster PA, Maryland National Guard troops will enter Pennsylvania from the east through Delaware and west through Washington County.

Meanwhile, Lancaster residents have started their own protest in response to the arrests. In what has become known as the "Susquehanna Sausage Party", Lancaster residents are travelling to the nearby Susquehanna river to throw stolen salami, pepperoni, sausage, and other meat products into the river as an act of protesting the "salami tax".  Oakwood, MD residents have been seen with fishing nets at the state line waiting for the waterlogged meat to reach Maryland, and there are now rumors of a "barbecue vigil" in which the processed meat products will be consumed while everyone prays for a swift resolution to the conflict.

No innocent fish were harmed by Pennsylvania sausage parties while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.