Afzali Mind Control Ray Fails - Switches to Sticker Subliminal Message Method

FREDERICK, MD - Frederick County Executive candidate Kathy Afzali experienced a minor setback during the Great Frederick Fair this week. Due to a technical glitch, her mind-control ray failed to power up, extremely endangering her chances of becoming the next County Executive. Fortunately, Afzali's campaign team had a backup plan.

Before being completely banned from the fair, Afzali and her campaign team implemented Plan B - election through subliminal messages.

The strategy is two fold, and almost as foolproof as using the Chewbacca Defense in a court of law.

First, Afzali and her team affix stickers to all children at the fair while talking to their parents. The actual conversation topic does not matter, as long as the parents are distracted long enough to affix stickers on their unsuspecting children.

Now, the most reasonable reaction by parents is to rip the Afzali sticker off their children, and throw it on the ground. Indeed, this is actually what Afzali wants the parents to do, as it's all part of her plan to get elected. The parents have now witnessed Afzali's name associated with their own children, which will ultimately become their reason for voting for Afzali.

Several days before the election, Afzali will begin a radio ad campaign. This campaign will seem innocent, but it is specially designed to trigger the subliminal message which entered the parents mind when removing the sticker from their children. The advertisement will conclude with "think of the children", which then subconsciously shifts the parent's mind towards voting for Afzali - after all, when they think of their own children, they now associate their children with a "Vote for Afzali" sticker.

The Hagerstown Report applauds Kathy Afali and her team on this brilliant campaign strategy, and looks forward to her becoming the next Frederick County Executive.

Jedi mind tricks only work on the weak minded.

We intentionally misspelled Afzali's name in this article several times. Did you catch where?

You just looked didn't find any didn't you?

The Hagerstown Report is satire. Move along.

Increased Hagerstown Military Presence Due to Crashed UFO

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After several days of increased military aircraft over Hagerstown, investigative journalists have discovered the true reason - a crashed UFO.

Late Monday night an unidentified object was seen crash-landing into the recently dredged city park lake. While no official comment could be obtained, sources have revealed anonymously that the occupants of the spacecraft escaped unharmed, and were suspected to be hiding somewhere in Washington County.

"We believe they mistook the Pod for wreckage, and were attempting a rescue mission," stated one official on the condition of anonymity, "unfortunately the craft collided with a tree and crashed into the lake."

Officials have denied any rumors that the Pod is in fact an alien spacecraft, and have since removed the crashed UFO to a secure location in an empty building outside Hagerstown airport. A local private contractor has been hired to study the craft and reverse-engineer it.

In the meantime, residents should be aware that several extra-terrestrial life forms may be on the loose. It is suspected that these life forms may be able to assume the form of humans, so be on the lookout for residents acting unusual, such as staring blankly into space or forgetting to put on pants - as these may be signs of an alien impostor.

Fortunately, Ally the alligator was already in her winter atrium, so she was not harmed by the UFO crash.

No residents received anal probes from extra-terrestrials while writing this article, though it's quite possible one of them forgot her pants. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Creepy Clowns Try to Lure Local Drug Dealers Into Storm Drains

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Possibly inspired by the release of a recent horror film, there have been several reports of rather creepy clowns attempting to lure local drug dealers into storm drains by offering free narcotics.

"We're all high as hell down here Jimmy! And when you come down here, you'll be high too!" was uttered by one of the clowns according to witnesses.

The clowns are working their way into city storm drains, then tying red balloons to the grates to get others' attention.

Once a drug dealer is seen examining the balloon, the clown then attempts to convince the dealer to join him in the storm drain, making promises of free heroin or other drugs.

"I almost fell for it!" said one local dealer, "but luckily I remembered what happened last time a creepy clown offered me free drugs out of a van, and hell that was just a couple months ago, and my backside is still sore!"

Hagerstown residents are encouraged not to enter any storm drains, even without clowns they can be extremely dangerous.

If shoe size is related to the size of other parts of the body, why aren't more clowns porn stars? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Found at Scene of Burger King Demolition

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The demolition of the Burger King on Dual Highway has been completed, but local concerns and confusion remains.

Few residents expected the sudden demolition of the local fast food joint, and many wondered why. Today, significant amounts of Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) were found by passersby.

"It's everywhere!" claimed a local resident. "It's covering the entire site, and today there was even some of the DHMO in the sky! It's crazy!"

Dihydrogen Monoxide, aka Hydrogen Hydroxide, aka DHMO, an industrial solvent and coolant, is an "enabling component" of acid rain -- in the absence of sufficient quantities of DHMO, acid rain is not a problem. Significant amounts of DHMO were also present at the recent chemical plant fire in Houston during Hurricane Harvey.

You can read more about DHMO at DHMO.org

If you are concerned about the effects of DHMO on your family, The Hagerstown Report has DHMO protective gear for sale.

Representatives from Burger King and the City of Hagerstown could not be reached for comment.

Eat recycled food. It's good for the environment, and okay for you. The Hagerstown Report is satire.