Democrats to Hold Topless Protest in Boonsboro June 14

BOONSBORO, MD - Residents are "shocked and dismayed" by the upcoming topless women protest being held by local Democrats on June 14 in Shafer Park in Boonsboro.

Inspired by recent reports of Ocean City denying topless women on the beach, the local "Resist" group is organizing "Topless Day in the Park" as part of their "Picnic de la Resistance".

The event is planned to be a fun filled day of beer, burgers, brats, and boobies. No wieners will be available or on display.

"We believe the community will come together and support this." stated a local representative. "There's nothing unnatural about a woman's breasts which should prevent their display in public, as long as she's attractive of course!"

Protesters will also have "tip" jars to show appreciation for their protest.

The picnic takes place on June 14, and is sponsored by Mitzi's in Funkstown.

Admission is $10 per person, kids eight and under are free. For ticket information please visit the Facebook event.

Harambe would be disappoint. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

South Korean Firm Announces "Erotic Theme Park" for Fort Ritchie

Artist's Concept of "Happy Fun Palace"

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today a South Korea firm announced its intentions to develop an "erotic theme park" on the Fort Ritchie land given to the firm for free by the County Commissioners. Among other improvements. the plan calls for a large, phallic shaped tower to be added to the Fort Ritchie castle.

"Much like the Disneyland castle, we want this to be the center of our park" stated a representative of the South Korean firm.

The park, called "Korea Happy Fun Palace", is being marketed as "the best erotic getaway in the world". Promising to provide a fully immersive Korea experience, only women of Asian descent will be hired at the park, and the standard uniform will be a schoolgirl outfit with a very short skirt.

Proposed rides include:

• The Big "O" - This tilt-a-whirl will provide completely enclosed, private ride cabs complete with sound proofing
• Mary-Go-Round - Unlike traditional merry-go-rounds, riders will remain stationary in their own private booths in the center of the ride, while employees in bikinis ride the merry-go-round in front of them
• Slip N' Slide in the DMs - A water slide where riders are shown pornographic images upon reaching the end
• Bump-her Cars - Similar to traditional bumper cars, but each car features a 3D sculpture of a scantly-clad Korean anime girl

Washington County residents will receive a lifetime fifty percent discount on admission to the park. Children under 12 can be admitted for free.

County officials could not be reached for comment, but it is The Hagerstown Report's understanding that the commissioners received a private preview of the park concept during their trips to South Korea, and commissioners in attendance were rather excited about the idea, despite objections from other county employees.

This may be the first article to start an international incident. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Resident Advisory: City Park Piranhas in Water Supply

HAGERSTOWN, MD - An accidental water main connection reversal valve has possibly released piranhas from City Park lake into the municipal water supply.

Early this morning a construction crew accidentally connected a water main over-pressurization valve backwards, allowing some piranhas to enter the city's water supply. Stocking of the lake with piranhas to address the park's geese population started in January of this year as part of the lake dredging project.

Residents are reminded that the piranhas have been trained to only eat geese, but several cautionary steps should be taken to avoid injury.

1. When filling the bath tub for children, do not allow them to splash or scream. This activity may be mistaken for a goose, and attract a piranha into the bathtub.
2. Examine dish water or water drawn for cooking carefully. Piranhas may feel threatened if poured into an enclosed space such as a sink or cooking pot.
3. Should you discover a piranha in your water, please do not harm it. Instead, carefully pick up the piranha with your bare hand (piranhas do not like rubber gloves) and place the piranha in a 5 gallon bucket filled with water. Please return the piranha to city park lake where it belongs.

City officials have not yet determined how many piranhas have escaped the lake, but assure residents that should the lake not have enough piranhas, Ally the Alligator may take a brief hiatus as the Suns' new mascot and return to the lake.

Piranhas escaping City Park lake would really bite. The Hagerstown Report is satire.