CVS Manager Accidentally Orders Fart Scented Perfume, AGAIN!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local CVS manager was in shock when, for the second year in a row, the Wilson Blvd. store received "ass fragrances" instead of boxes of assorted fragrances.

"I thought I entered the right order code this year!" stated the manager.

The company shipping the fragrances would not refund the products ordered by mistake, leaving the CVS with more of the horrible smelling perfume to try and sell.

Last year, the store received approximately 500 gift sets. Most of these sets actually sold, as residents thought "ass fragrances" was a typo. Much to their horror, the perfume really does smell like flatulence.

"I don't think they'll fall for it again this year" said an employee who wished to remain anonymous.

The gift sets will be available through Christmas.

Should CVS sell out, they are also available on Amazon.

This story really stinks. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Mayor Race Declared Tie

Jonathan Hager's Dueling Pistols

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The votes are finally counted, and residents won't believe the result. Incumbent Mayor Gysberts and former Mayor Bruchey received the exact same number of votes.

Fortunately, the Hagerstown charter, written by Jonathan Hager in 1762, allows for a quick and decisive resolution to the tie. Both candidates will have a duel in Hagerstown town square within ninety days of the election.

The charter requires the two candidates use the dueling pistol set originally owned by Jonathan Hager himself, which are said to contain "divine powers" which will ultimately help decide the winner of the election.

The rules are simple. Gysberts and Bruchey will each have one shot. The survivor becomes Mayor.

Currently, odds are 2 to 1 that Bruchey will win the duel, as he has extensive firearms training throughout his career. However, very little is known about Gysberts' hobbies, and he may surprise us and be an excellent marksman.

The duel is currently scheduled for Thursday, November 31, at 12 noon. The Hagerstown charter requires the duel be precisely at noon, so as neither candidate will have an advantage over the other with the position of the sun.

Since Gysberts is the incumbent, he will have the choice of which side of Potomac street he wishes to stand on.

Did you know muzzle loaders aren't actually considered firearms? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Mexico and Canada Volunteer to Pay for Trump's Border Wall

In a surprise move, today Canada and Mexico both agreed to construct walls between the United States and their countries.

"I didn't even have to ask them!" stated President-Elect Donald Trump.

Both countries have suddenly found themselves with a shocking amount of illegal immigrants from the United States - mostly US residents looking to escape the country before Trump takes office.

"It was so bad, our immigration website crashed last night" stated a Canadian official, "I mean yea our website is powered by green energy, and we had to bring in a second exercise bike to power the server aye! But it's working again now!"

Some border jumpers were quite surprised upon reaching the country of their destination. "What do you mean you need n ID to vote in Canada and Mexico? Don't these people know it's clearly racist!"

Furthermore, must to their surprise, Mexico has a strict anti-illegal immigration law, and violators could be faced with jail time.

"I really didn't realize that these other countries were more strict than us on this stuff!" claimed one border jumper as he was being detained by Mexican authorities.

Mexican drug cartels have already started creating their own border patrol groups, detaining any United States citizens who attempt to enter the country illegally.

Pink Floyd would be proud. The Hagerstown Report is satire.