Lost City Discovered Under Hagerstown ...Population 400!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After several months, the City of Hagerstown has revealed the reason the MELP plant demolition has ceased. During demolition, an entry way to an underground city was discovered.

In 1812, the City of Hagerstown was built over top of what was at the time called Elizabethtown, named after Jonathan Hager's wife. Many thought the buildings in Elizabethtown were destroyed during the construction of Hagerstown, however, recent discoveries have proved otherwise.

Remarkably, not only have most buildings survived the past 200 years, but there are still residents living in Elizabethtown! In fact, early estimates show approximately 400 people still reside in this long lost city.

Featuring a subway system, as well as steam powered electricity generation, the underground city still uses much technology from the early 1800's.

Residents of Elizabethtown are very reclusive, and appear to be suffering from Vitamin D deficiency due to lack of sunlight. The residents appear to speak an unknown dialect of German, which may tie back to Hagerstown's original roots. Researchers from University of Maryland are feverishly working to try and understand the unique language of these residents.

Hagerstown residents are recommended not to attempt to gain entry into Elizabethtown. Decades of lack of food has resulted in the residents becoming cannibalistic.

No urban adventurers were devoured while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

China Announces Purchase of Hagerstown

The new City of Hagerstown flag.

Chengdu, China - After negotiations in Chengdu, China with Mayor David Gysberts, China announced that it has finally purchased the City of Hagerstown.

"This represents a turning point in our countries' cooperative efforts! Never before has China purchased outright an entire city!" stated one China official.

The Chinese government stresses that the residents of Hagerstown will still have full autonomy over their lives, however, the tax rate of the City will increase to 95%.

Planned improvements to Hagerstown include the opening of several Foxconn manufacturing plants, in which Hagerstown residents will be provided jobs for one dollar per hour.

The Foxconn wage is perfectly legal, as Foxconn will only employ residents as 1099 contractors, instead of employees. Contractors will be expected to work at least 70 hours per week.

Apple Computers was overjoyed at the news. "Finally we can slap a Made in America sticker on our iPhones!"

"What really blew us away was the Mayor's vision for rebuilding Hagerstown. He talked about wanting to have a war to clear out all the old buildings, and we will be happy to explore that option!" stated a Chinese military official.

China takes possession of the City of Hagerstown and its residents on April 1. Any resident who does not wish to become property of China should move immediately.

No mayors caused international incidents while writing this article, at least we hope not anyway. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Escaped Animal Terrorizes Downtown Hagerstown

Eye witness photo

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a science experiment gone wrong mirroring a Jurassic Park movie, an apparent dinosaur escaped from the Discovery Station and terrorized downtown.

The dinosaur, a small Tyrannosaurus Rex, was originally brought to life through cloning and splicing of DNA from Ally, the alligator in Hagerstown City Park.

Initial casualty reports are unavailable, and city officials refused to comment.

Brittany Wedd, Director of Operations, is currently suspected of being the scientist responsible for bringing the creature to life. Officials are investigating, and the creature remains at large.

Residents are encouraged to wear small bells and carry pepper spray as a deterrent should they encounter the creature. Residents should also be aware of how to recognize Tyrannosaurus scat, to avoid its current nesting grounds. Tyrannosaurus scat often contains small bells, and can faintly smell of pepper.

Eye witness photo

No museum directors' arms were devoured by extinct creatures while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.