Creepy Clowns Try to Lure Local Drug Dealers Into Storm Drains

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Possibly inspired by the release of a recent horror film, there have been several reports of rather creepy clowns attempting to lure local drug dealers into storm drains by offering free narcotics.

"We're all high as hell down here Jimmy! And when you come down here, you'll be high too!" was uttered by one of the clowns according to witnesses.

The clowns are working their way into city storm drains, then tying red balloons to the grates to get others' attention.

Once a drug dealer is seen examining the balloon, the clown then attempts to convince the dealer to join him in the storm drain, making promises of free heroin or other drugs.

"I almost fell for it!" said one local dealer, "but luckily I remembered what happened last time a creepy clown offered me free drugs out of a van, and hell that was just a couple months ago, and my backside is still sore!"

Hagerstown residents are encouraged not to enter any storm drains, even without clowns they can be extremely dangerous.

If shoe size is related to the size of other parts of the body, why aren't more clowns porn stars? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Local Spice Dealer Gets Distributor of the Quarter Award

Spice seized by HPD in April 2015

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local spice dealer received the "Distributor of the Quarter" award for 1Q 2015, awarded to him by the Colombian drug cartel which has been providing him shipments.

The spice dealer, who only wished to be known as "Jay", said he was quite pleased that he received this prestigious award.

"Man we really made some mad cash right after tax refunds came in. I mean we got so much money I could have been Scrooge McDuck and went swimming in it!"

Jay says he is a "street pharmacist", and frowns upon anyone calling him a drug dealer. He operates a mid-Atlantic distribution operation, using an undisclosed location in Hagerstown as his distribution center and warehouse. "Hagerstown is perfect for this, because I can access the highway and get to just about anywhere I need to in four hours or less."

Since April, Jay's business has slowed some. "I'm glad first quarter only includes through March, because that big bust in April really impacted my profits. I just hope my bros don't roll over on me," Jay said. In early April, Hagerstown Police seized 112 bags of Spice along with $1015.00 in cash, from a home on Jonathan Street.

When asked about the health effects of Spice, Jay seemed non-caring.  "It says right on the package that it's potpourri and not for human consumption. Not my fault if people are too stupid to pay attention to that!"

Spice is some nasty stuff and shouldn't be consumed by anyone. Please help spread awareness of its terrible health effects! The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.