Shippensburg Council Announces Expansion Plans for Casino Site

SHIPPENSBURG, PA - The Shippensburg Borough Council recently announced plans to expand business opportunities for the proposed casino site. When asked about the controversy surrounding the casino a council member who asked to remain anonymous replied, “We are expanding the business options at the casino site in order to create more job opportunities for local citizens and to build community support.”  When pressed for more details the council member said, “The additional businesses that are proposed include a 1.9 million square foot adult toys warehouse and a gentleman’s club.  That way the concerns about the impact on our family friendly town will be concentrated in one area which will make enforcement much easier. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t love another mega-warehouse?  It will be a win-win for everyone involved.  The expansion will bring more great jobs and lots of exciting entertainment. Not to mention that the additional tax revenues will be appreciated by the local volunteer firehouses and possible result in either the elimination of property taxes for borough residents or at least a large decrease.”

When asked if the council had any other interest from outside businesses that were looking to move into the proposed site he said, “There are many other proposals being looked at currently.  Starbuck’s is interested in building their first 24 hour Mega-Store. It will be the first location where the dining area as well as the drive-thru will be open around the clock.  Two organizations from Shippensburg University submitted letters of interest as well. The International Student Union would like to build an apartment complex since there are an increasing number of foreign students and Shippensburg does not have enough housing for incoming international students from areas such as the Middle East, Central and South America, and China.  The Islamic Student Union is interested in building a combination Mosque/Student Center as well.  I think that would be a great location for it especially since the PA State Police are going to place a new barracks at the site.  That way, any security concerns may be resolved quickly and thoroughly.”

When asked if the council has turned down any business propositions he replied, “Not very many.  The letters of intent that have arrived so far are high quality proposals from reputable businesses.  The only one that may be questionable is a proposal from an alligator theme park/petting zoo.  There are two concerns that should be easily fixed.  One is suitable temperature controls for their habitats.  The second is their security protocol in case of an escape or an attack.  I would like to see more other than a bullet point that says, ‘Solution: choot him.’  Even if they don’t follow through with resolving those concerns, I am very optimistic for the future of the building site.  I really hope the local community will get behind our plans and help Shippensburg succeed in this next phase of growth.”

The next meeting for public input on the proposed expansion is scheduled for September 2019.

No Amish had a heart attack while writing this article. This is a satire guest article by "Jebediah Martin".