Exclusive Interview with Immigrant Midget Operating Martins' New Robot

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Our local Martins recently placed in service a "robot" designed to patrol the store and detect spills. However, after undercover reporting at Martins, The Hagerstown Report has uncovered that there is actually a undocumented immigrant named "Carlos" inside the robot, operating it. We have obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with Carlos. More below...

THR: So everyone thinks this is actually a robot. But it turns out there's actually a person inside, can you tell us a little more about that?

Carlos: Yea, Martins' couldn't actually get the robot to work, so they hired us to get inside and drive the things around and find spills. I was like "do I have to actually clean up the spills?" and they were like "nah dawg you just radio the employees and one of them cleans it up, easy money!"

THR: But how do you fit into the robot?

Carlos: I'm only 4 foot tall, so I fit in the bottom part pretty easy. There's a padded chair and everything in there man! It's actually pretty awesome!

THR: How did you get this job anyways?

Carlos: Ok so me and my homies just got finished digging this drug smuggling tunnel from Mexico to the US when these guys in suits show up. We're about to start running like hell when one of them says "No no, we're not with ICE, we're here to off you guys jobs!" So we listened to what they had to say, and they know we're used to being in confined spaces digging tunnels all day, and said we could come work in the US doing a somewhat legit job where we get to be inside all day. At first we didn't think this was real, but then they showed us pictures of that guy inside of R2-D2, and we were like WOWWWWWW ok sign us up!

THR: Are you and your friends worried about being deported?

Carlos: Nah dawg! It's the PERFECT hiding spot - cause like we're hiding in plain sight. What's ICE going to do, try to deport a robot?

THR: So are you going to stay here a while and just work this job, or do you have other career goals?

Carlos: Well to be honest dawg after they showed us those pictures of R2-D2, that really made me re-think my career goals. I mean here was this badass little robot and it was actually a dude inside! So I started looking around and sure enough there's other opportunities too! So this will just be a stepping stone to greater careers!

THR: Like what?

Carlos: Like you know those hand dryers in bathrooms? Everybody thinks those are just heated fans, but it's actually a guy inside the wall blowing on your hands when you push the button!

THR: Wow.

Carlos: Wow.

THR: Anything else you'd like to add before we wrap this up?

Carlos: Yea dawg - ladies will you stop letting your kids tap on the side of the robot? It really echos inside and gives me headaches! Also, stop asking me where stuff is in the store, you'll blow my cover!!!!

We thank Carlos for his exclusive interview, and wish him the best in his career.

R2-D2 actually did have a person inside - who knew? The Hagerstown Report is satire.