Hagerstown City Council Proceeds with Plastic Straw Ban

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With a 4 to 1 vote, the City of Hagerstown has agreed to ban plastic straws, following suit with many other cities across the country. Starting September 31, 2018, all local businesses must replace plastic straws with biodegradable straws made out of solidified bovine fertilizer.

"Not only is this move environmentally friendly" stated a city representative, "but it will provide an excellent boost to our local cow farmers as their excess manure is processed into drinking straws."

In trial testing, consumers have been hesitant to switch to fertilizer straws. Many have complained that drinking liquids with the straws often results in an "off taste", or that the straws will dissolve too quickly in hot liquids. Others have expressed concerns about the health implications of using straws created from cow manure, but national health industry officials have stated that the effects are "very minimal" and only increases the chance of digestive tract issues by 15%.

The biodegradable straws do come at a cost however. Each straw will cost 50% more than its plastic equivalent. Local businesses will be forced to either absorb this cost, or raise prices to match the increased cost. The council discussed a potential price freeze for six months, but this idea was voted down 3 to 2.

Fortunately unlike many plastic straw bans in the country, this article is complete bovine manure. The Hagerstown Report is satire.