City Council Announces Sale of Hagerstown to Theme Park

The new Hagerstown welcome sign, installed today.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In an unprecedented move, the Hagerstown City Council has announced the sale of the entire city to a major theme park developer.

"We didn't have any other choice." stated one councilman, "The mayor and council came to the realization that Hagerstown's issues are beyond the tipping point. Our only hope was to cash out. This has been in the works since May, and we're happy to announce it finally came to fruition!"

The buyer, Big Fun USA, has chosen the name "Adventure Park Hagerstown" for this first-of-its-kind amusement park.

"We're going to turn the entire city into a living amusement park. There are a lot of empty buildings we can tear down or renovate into attractions. We're also considering closing some of the roads to install major attractions such as water slides or roller coasters." stated one representative of Big Fun USA.

The first attraction, a giant water slide, will be installed on August 29 of this year on West Washington Street. A beer garden, food trucks, and additional kids activities will also be available as part of the celebration of the sale of the city.

No carnies were sent helplessly down log plume rides while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

City of Hagerstown Announces Downtown Rebuilding Plan

Image by Vitaly V. Kuzmin. Copyright Info.

The Hagerstown Report is proud to announce its inaugural article! Stay tuned because there's much more to come!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the mayor and council announced their grand rebuilding plan, which will be contracted out to a Russian company and involve an 800 kiloton nuclear warhead.

Mayor Gysberts was previously quoted as saying that sometimes wishes his city had a war to clear out old buildings.

Through a partnership with a Russian defense contractor, the mayor can finally rebuild Hagerstown in his vision.

Strategically detonated, the 800 kiloton warhead would have the capability to remove completely all buildings within a 1.25 mile radius, as well as remove older homes within a 2.6 mile radius.

While residual radiation will last for several thousand years, lethal doses of radiation will be gone after only a few weeks, allowing construction crews to move in and begin clearing out the wreckage.

The time table for this rebuilding plan hasn't been formalized, but the mayor and council seem quite confident that this plan will be the most cost effective means of revitalizing downtown.

No animals were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.