BREAKING: Washington County Cybersecurity Incident Details Leaked

HAGERSTOWN, MD -   In a shocking turn of events, the Washington County Government's highly classified Thanksgiving 2022 cybersecurity incident has taken a bizarre twist, revealing a daring heist conducted by none other than space aliens. Forget about digital attacks and hackers in dark basements; it seems extraterrestrial beings have a taste for government servers and a penchant for Thanksgiving secrets.

CCTV footage obtained exclusively by our news team shows otherworldly creatures sneaking into the Washington County server room under the cover of darkness. Sporting flashy metallic suits and questionable fashion choices, the aliens managed to snatch servers right from under the county's nose.

The footage depicts the aliens carrying the servers down the street, with one extraterrestrial caught on camera struggling to balance a tower of servers while trying to avoid tripping over its own alien feet. Onlookers initially mistook the scene for an avant-garde art project or a particularly eccentric flash mob.

Eyewitnesses reported strange lights and weird sounds, but it wasn't until the servers levitated into a hovering saucer on top of the University District Parking Deck that suspicions of an otherworldly involvement began to circulate.

County officials initially denied any extraterrestrial connection, suggesting a more conventional digital attack was the culprit. However, leaked documents now confirm the involvement of beings from a galaxy far, far away, seeking to unravel the mysteries of Washington County's coveted Thanksgiving recipes.

Residents of Washington County are now left wondering whether their cherished Thanksgiving traditions are at risk or if these aliens simply have a taste for bureaucracy. As investigations unfold, the world eagerly awaits the outcome of diplomatic talks between Washington County officials and the enigmatic extraterrestrial entities.

In the meantime, conspiracy theorists are hard at work connecting the dots between the alien server heist and mysterious turkey disappearances across the county, leaving us all to wonder: Is Thanksgiving the next battleground for intergalactic culinary supremacy?

No computer servers were stolen by extraterrestrials while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown to Attach Ribbons to Speed Cam Tickets for Holidays

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In celebration of the holidays, the City of Hagerstown has announced that between now and January 1, 2024, the city will attach holiday ribbons to speed cam tickets, as a festive "thank you" for out of town visitors for helping fund the local police department.

"We believe the ribbons will put out of state visitors in the holiday spirit, so that they'll be more willing to pay the speed cam ticket, and encourage them to come back to visit again."

Out of state visitors not paying speed cam tickets is a serious problem for the City of Hagerstown. In 2017, it was reported that there were $1.5 Million in unpaid tickets outstanding.

In addition to the holiday ribbon, each city council member will take turns creating hand-written thank you notes to those receiving speed cam tickets over the holidays. These notes will really tug at the heart strings, similar to the SPCA commercials which tell you about how your donation will help save abused animals.

Washington County Government is planning to implement a similar campaign with their own speed cam tickets, but with a different twist. The handwritten thank you notes will inform the receiver of the county's upcoming financial crisis, and that all donations ticket fines will be used to create a defense fund for ongoing sexual harassment suits against former County Commissioners.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from The Hagerstown Report.  This article is satire, for now anyway.

ADL Removes Swastika from Hate Symbol List in Response to Biden Speech

Screenshot of the ADL announcement

In response to the increasing popularity of President Biden, as well as per his suggestion to the ADL, certain hate symbols such as the swastika have been removed from the ADL Hate Symbol database. Insiders at the White House have indicated this is in support of future Biden speeches which plan to use similar imagery, and the ADL does not want them confused with actual hate symbols.

"Swastikas and other symbols are still hate symbols, but we want to ensure that there is no chance for the dangerous MAGA Republicans to use the ADL hate symbol database to further compare Biden to Hitler" stated a representative from the ADL.

The changes to the ADL hate symbol database will take place shortly before midterm elections, where President Biden plans to give a powerful speech on why MAGA Republicans are dangerous to society, and outline his plan to place them in detention camps. This speech will coincide with the release of Biden's new book "My Struggle", which outlines his battles with "Corn Pop" as a youth, and goes on to further describe MAGA Republicans as greedy and the cause of all of the United States' problems. 

In unrelated news, the White House announced confusion when receiving a call from France stating that they immediately surrender to the United States. The United States is not currently at war with France, only its own people.

Last time we posted a satire article about the ADL they tried to fact check us into oblivion. It's possible this might be the last time we ever get to post, so if you're reading this, thanks for all the fish. The Hagerstown Report is satire. This post is satire. Our country appears to currently be satire. Not sure if we should laugh or cry.

WashCo Tech High School to Include new "Adult Entertainer" Career Classes

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the increased availability and viability of adult entertainment services such as PornHub and OnlyFans, WCPS has announced that Washington County Technical High School will begin offering a new career path this fall geared towards the adult entertainment industry. These hands-on classes will provide students of male, female, and non-binary genders the experience needed to prepare themselves for a profitable career in adult entertainment.

"There's a lot more to adult entertainment than just shaking your booty and convincing people to subscribe to your OnlyFans," stated a school board representative, "students must learn accounting, profit/loss margins, filmography, lighting, script writing, and more."

The new curriculum for this career path was provided by the school board through President Biden's reforms of the Department of Education. These reforms include more diverse instructive activities geared towards students entering specialized trades instead of college, as well as acceptive inclusivity in workforce preparedness.

Topics include, but are not limited to:

• Adult Filmography and getting the "Money Shot"
• Profitable foot fetishes
• Challenging your sexuality for more fans
• Teacher kinks, and why age gaps can lead to massive profits
• Protecting yourself from Monkeypox while making that "Money Shot"

So far twelve students from across the county have signed up for this exciting new program. Additionally, thanks to new regulations introduced by the Department of Education, to protect student privacy parents will not be aware their students have signed up for these classes, and will instead be informed the students are taking classes such as plumbing or cosmetology.

The school board assures that all teachers will conduct themselves in a professional manner while teaching these classes, and is also happy to announce that one-on-one private after-school tutoring sessions will also be available to students looking to get extra credit.

No parents had heart attacks while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, we apologize to Erin in advance for any phone calls relating to this article.

A short poem

 

The Hagerstown Report is satire/parody.  Also, fuck fact checkers, and fuck PolitiFact. Let's Go Brandon.

ADL Classifies "Let's Go Brandon" As Hate Symbol

In response to conservatives refusing to accept that recent NASCAR fans were chanting "Let's Go Brandon" after Brandon Brown's recent win, and the fact that conservatives are now using the phrase "Let's Go Brandon" to mock the reporter, the Anti-Defamation League has classified the phrase as a dogwhistle hate symbol.

"This will make the message clear, that mocking reporters and other oppressed careers, is completely unacceptable in 2021." stated a representative from the ADL.

The ADL recognizes over 200 hate symbols and continues to expand its list, including Pepe the Frog, the logo for Coors Beer, and the "Okay" hand gesture.

We at the Hagerstown Report applaud this stunning and brave addition to the Hate Symbol list, and encourage our readers to report their usage to the Internet Police.

The Hagerstown Report is not classified as a hate symbol. Not yet anyways.  This article is satire/parody.

Maryland Saves Up To Two Marine Animals Per Year with Balloon Release Ban

Every year 314 million kg of plastic waste ends up in the ocean. This has the devastating effect of killing over 100,000 marine animals every year, and balloons are responsible for 5% of sea turtle deaths. The United States is responsible for 703,000 kg of this plastic waste. Balloon fragments account for approximately 2% of this waste.

Assuming that Maryland's fair share of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportional to the state's population (6 million) compared to the rest of the country (330 million), this means Maryland is responsible for 1.8% of the 703,000 kg of plastic waste, or 12,654 kg. Assuming that every balloon released in the State of Maryland is intentional, by banning balloon releases, the State of Maryland has reduced the plastic waste per year by 2%, which comes out to 253 kg less plastic waste in the ocean, per year.

That means instead of 314,000,000 kg of plastic waste in the ocean per year, we now have 313,999,747 kg. That's a reduction of 0.00002%! Assuming that the amount of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportionate to the number of marine animal deaths, this means through the State of Maryland's action they have saved up to two marine animals per year. Of course, this assumes that all of the balloon releases in the state have been intentional, so any accidental balloon releases may reduce the impact, and possibly negate any benefit whatsoever.

We at the Hagerstown Report applaud the State of Maryland for focusing on such important issues, and rescuing those two innocent marine animals per year by banning intentional balloon releases, which is undoubtedly one of the most important issues of our time.

Your virtue signals have not gone unnoticed.

While this article may contain some high doses of sarcasm, the calculations are not satire.