City Park Piranha Project on Schedule

Signs to be posted in City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As previously reported, the project to stock City Park with piranhas is going according to plan, according to city representatives. The piranhas will be used to control the park's geese population, as well as provide a more exotic tourist attraction.

So far, approximately half of the carp have been replaced with the carnivorous fish, which have been specially trained to only eat geese.

"We will be the first park in the country to stock our park's lake with piranhas!" stated a city council member, "Just think of the tourism draw this will create!"

While the piranhas have been trained to only eat geese, small children should not splash or cry if they fall in the lake, or they may be mistaken for a goose.

The current target completion date is February 10, 2017, when approximately 75% of the lake will be piranhas. It is believed that the remaining carp will eventually be removed by "natural forces".

Signs will be posted next week telling visitors that the piranhas are friendly, but warning not to splash or make noise if you should fall in.

The carp that have been replaced during dredging are being taken to Washington County landfill, where they will be disposed of humanely.

Residents are encouraged to visit City Park and take pictures of the piranhas, but please, no swimming.

Piranhas would really take a bite out of our geese population problems. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Top 8 Unusual Items Found During City Park Dredging

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HAGERSTOWN, MD - You won't believe what was found during dredging of City Park lake!

As previously reported, the City of Hagerstown is currently dredging the lake at City Park.

During the dredging of approximately 18,000 cubic yards of sediment on the bottom of the lake, the company contracted to do the dredging has made some rather unusual finds.

Queen Elizabeth Vows to Reclaim America from Trump

LONDON, ENGLAND - "We're going to take back the colonies!" exclaimed United Kingdom Queen Elizabeth.

Shortly after the inauguration of Donald Trump, the 45th President of the United States, Queen Elizabeth announced her plan to retake the United States and make them British colonies again.

The United Kingdom has declared that after its departure from the European Union, the UK will reclaim the United States and form the new nation of Oceania.

Offering diplomacy first, Queen Elizabeth stated that she will first offer Trump to purchase all United States national debt, as well as pay him Eight Billion USD as compensation.

Trump, author of "The Art of the Deal", stated that he would "seriously consider" the United Kingdom's offer to purchase the United States from him.

Not to be deterred, Queen Elizabeth warned that this was a "limited time offer", and that if needed, the United Kingdom shall take back the United States by force.

"It won't take much really, all we have to do is promise everyone in the United States free stuff, and they'll blindly fight for liberation from Trump." stated a spokesperson for the Ministry of Peace.

As part of the acquisition, every United States citizen will receive a free interactive flat-screen television. This revolutionary technology will allow citizens to interact with their politicians in real-time!

George Orwell was psychic, just off by a few years. The Hagerstown Report is satire. For now.

Hagerstown KKK "MLK Day Rally" Attendance Plummets After "Free Sheetz" Typo Discovered

Not a real photo.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local KKK leader is "extremely disappointed" that the planned rally in Hagerstown on Martin Luther King day will have to be cancelled due to lack of interest, following the discovery of a typo in the advertising material.

"Someone accidentally listed the event as 'Free Sheetz' instead of 'Free Sheets'." stated an anonymous spokesperson for the event. "Needless to say, when we notified attendees that they would be receiving a free Klan bed sheet, attendance dropped to two people."

The local grand dragon, who refers to himself only as "Billy Bob", spoke with The Hagerstown Report while gently petting his My Little Pony doll.

"We received a lot of hate messages after people found out they weren't getting free food from Sheetz." stated Billy Bob. "Some of the messages were very hurtful, and I'm afraid I need to cut this interview short so I can go find my safe space."

Billy Bob then attached a safety pin to his KKK outfit, and proceeded to disappear into a coat closet while muttering to himself something about "...but he promised he would make America great again!"

A spokesperson for the local Klan stated that the planned rally will most likely be canceled, as a parade of "two people wearing bed sheets" doesn't send the message of strength they want to send.

Those who were disappointed by the cancellation of the rally are encouraged to visit their local Sheetz and make a purchase from their secret menu.

No Klan leaders poked themselves with safety pins while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire. The KKK is a bunch of assholes.

HELP WANTED: FCPS Seeks Social Media Coordinator with Boring Personality

Frederick County Public Schools is searching for a person with no personality whatsoever to fulfill their social media coordinator position.

Must be willing to post dull, boring messages on social media, guaranteed not to boost social media likes or follows.

Under no circumstances are any of your social media postings to go viral, or you will be promptly terminated.

Must also sign waiver that your identity may be accidentally compromised due to lax computer security standards.

Pay is terrible, working conditions absolutely horrid.

To apply, please visit FCPS Maryland's website and submit your resume.

Sadly the last person to hold this position was fired because her witty tweets went viral. I thought the goal of social media was to make content go viral, who knew? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

City Park to be Stocked with Piranhas to Control Geese Population???

Photo by Andrewself

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As dredging of City Park lake begins next week, Hagerstown City Council has begun discussing the future of the lake.

"Since most of the carp will be killed during dredging, we've decided to stock the lake with something a bit more exotic." stated one council member.

Hagerstown City Park has long had a problem with geese overpopulation, but the plan for the lake after dredging solves the problem, as well as increases tourism possibilities.

Instead of re-stocking the lake with carp, the city will stock the lake with Brazilian piranhas, the most aggressive of the species.

"We're working with the same wildlife company which sold us the city park alligator." stated a council member, "Much like Ally, these piranhas will be specially trained to only eat geese."

The city considered putting up warning signs regarding the piranhas, but decided it could negatively impact tourism. Instead, signs will be posted inviting visitors to take pictures of the "friendly, smiling piranhas", with small disclaimers that small children should not splash or cry if they fall in the lake, or they may be mistaken for a goose. According to the Hagerstown city attorney, this disclaimer should be sufficient to release the city of any liability.

As for Ally the alligator, she is being taken to Hagerstown Suns stadium, for their renaming to the Hagerstown Gators, and will become their new mascot. Ally will be taken around the stadium on a leash during games, and children will be encouraged to pose with Ally for photographs.

"This is an exciting time for the city!" stated a council member. "People will flock far and wide to come see the lake stocked with trained piranhas!"

If you think the alligator was crazy, wait till the piranhas find their way into the city water supply. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Trump Inauguration to be Moved to Hagerstown, MD

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today many residents may have noticed the excessive number of helicopters flying overhead. These helicopters are part of the preparations for the presidential inauguration.

Due to growing security concerns, the presidential inauguration of Donald Trump is being moved to Hagerstown.

The inauguration will take place outside 101 W. Washington Street at noon on January 20th.

"Hagerstown was chosen because of its proximity to the nation's capital, and its overwhelming support of the Trump campaign." stated one of Trump's staff.

Trump will land at the Hagerstown airport in a gold-plated jet, then be escorted to downtown Hagerstown by approximately two hundred volunteers from Washington County. To be eligible to be part of Trump's honor detail, local residents must have at least two tattoos featuring obscenities, or own at least one Confederate Flag. Special considerations may also be provided for those who follow Trump on Twitter.

"This is an exciting time for Hagerstown" stated one of the city council. "We welcome President-elect Trump, and look forward to his purchase of our city!"

The next four years are going to provide endless material to make satire great again! The Hagerstown Report is satire.