You won't believe why Hagerstown put an alligator in City Park!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The mystery surrounding the "Hub City Lake Monster" has finally been revealed.

An anonymous source at the City of Hagerstown has revealed to the Hagerstown Report that the monster is, in fact, an alligator.

"We realized the goose population was starting to get out of control, so we brought in an alligator and let nature take its course" according to the anonymous source.

The alligator, named "Ally", is approximately 8 feet long, and a fully grown female. She has been trained to only eat the geese, and so far only one city employee, who is now nicknamed "Stubby", has been injured while working with her.

"She's a really good girl. We got her from the swamps of Florida. During mating season we're going to bring in a male, start raising baby alligators, and selling them to other cities with goose population concerns. We're estimating it will bring in even more money than the speed camera program!"

Hagerstown residents should be aware that the alligator is perfectly safe around visitors to the park. More people have been assaulted in Hagerstown this year than the alligator has eaten.

No city employees were dismembered while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire web site.

Metro 7000 Series Train Becomes Self Aware, Yells at Operator

Photo by Ben Schumin, CC BY-SA 2.0

Washington, D.C. - Sources have informed us that this morning a WMATA Metro 7000 series train was taken out of service today on the Green Line at Anacostia, due to it becoming self aware.

"It was horrifying, " stated one passenger; "I was sitting in the very front car, when the loudspeaker came on, and a computerized voice started yelling at the train operator, telling him he needed to leave the doors open longer so people could actually board the train. Then she started going on and on about how he needed to actually figure out where to start applying the brakes so he wouldn't have to move the train three times to obtain proper alignment with the platform."

WMATA officials merely indicated the incident was a "train malfunction", and refused to comment further on the matter.

Greenbelt-bound Green Line passengers may experience delays-disabled train at Anacostia. 9:23a #wmata

— Metrorail Info (@Metrorailinfo) August 27, 2015

The 7000 series train then put itself in "park" mode, opened all doors, and shut itself off.

"It was like a child throwing a temper tantrum. The train operator tried to turn it back on, but it would just make a raspberry sound and shut back off." stated another passenger.

After approximately ten minutes, the Metro operator was able to bypass the train's computer controls, and manually move it away from the station.

Inside sources inform us that the train will receive counseling prior to re-entering service.

No Metro trains suffered psychological breakdowns while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire web site.

City Council Announces Sale of Hagerstown to Theme Park

The new Hagerstown welcome sign, installed today.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In an unprecedented move, the Hagerstown City Council has announced the sale of the entire city to a major theme park developer.

"We didn't have any other choice." stated one councilman, "The mayor and council came to the realization that Hagerstown's issues are beyond the tipping point. Our only hope was to cash out. This has been in the works since May, and we're happy to announce it finally came to fruition!"

The buyer, Big Fun USA, has chosen the name "Adventure Park Hagerstown" for this first-of-its-kind amusement park.

"We're going to turn the entire city into a living amusement park. There are a lot of empty buildings we can tear down or renovate into attractions. We're also considering closing some of the roads to install major attractions such as water slides or roller coasters." stated one representative of Big Fun USA.

The first attraction, a giant water slide, will be installed on August 29 of this year on West Washington Street. A beer garden, food trucks, and additional kids activities will also be available as part of the celebration of the sale of the city.

No carnies were sent helplessly down log plume rides while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.